Tell your story

Every person has a story to tell, and every story is similar in two ways. Firstly, we all began our life journey at birth. And secondly, the paths we have walked, the experiences we have had, and the people we have met have helped us become who we are. In our failures and successes, we have learned many lessons that have been vital to our survival. 

In the past, people kept journals. Today, social media allows us to share images and status updates that shed light on our thoughts and experiences. By sharing our emotions, our dreams, our fears, our efforts, our pain, our hopes, and our joys with others, we create powerful learning opportunities. Life experience is a master teacher and when we share ours with others, we empower them. 

Have you ever considered writing a book? I've helped several people write their life stories. Sadly, not all of them persevered, so their stories remain unpublished.

Our lives are too short not to take advantage of all the resources available to us. If you're not able to write your own life story, look for someone who can help you. Let your story be an inspiration to others.

I write so others might contemplate things that are out of the ordinary. I write to make people feel—to cause laughter and tears and anger at injustice. I write so the world will imagine and wonder at crazy, incredible truths. I write to have a tiny bit of influence on a universal conscience. ~ Richelle E. Goodrich

Writing seemed to me to be the most natural thing to do during my college days. I could not open up to others, and so I started writing my thoughts in my journal. It gave me a sense of calm and peace. And now after so many years to write my thoughts in my journal still seems to me to be the most natural thing to do. I am still not able to open up easily in front of people. And so writing keeps me sane! ~ Avijeet Das

Touching people’s hearts through your words is the only job that you could do, and nobody has to hire you for it. ~ Misbah Khan

And so I write. I write my life. I write to escape real life. I write to live moments over again. I write to rewrite the moments I’ve lived over in a way that makes more sense to me. I write the moments to heal. I write the moments I hope never happen. And I write the moments I hope will happen. ~ R.B. O'Brien

Facebook can be a guiding light

It isn’t something that comes with age. Quite frankly, I’ve never been a fan of change. When I was a child, my father was in the army. Every three years, we would relocate to a different town and attend a new school. Because I was shy and insecure, I was not too fond of it.

 

At the age of 56, I’m confronted with change again. I’ve been worried about it since my husband, and I decided to relocate from the bushveld in early 2020. We’ve been here for over 20 years and are in desperate need of a change. It has taken some time for my ill-health application to retire to be processed and finalized, and, at last, I have a date! My employment with the Department of Education will end on February 28, 2022. Then I’ll be free to go wherever I want.

 

The barrage of emotions I’ve felt this year has worn me down. I was so overwhelmed when I saw the following on Facebook.

 

You don’t need to see the entire path to take the first step. You can take the first step with fear and doubt. You can take it with hope and trust. Too often, we think we need to have it all figured out and planned before we can start. But the truth is, the best journeys taken aren’t planned from start to finish. They take unexpected twists and turns to lead us where we need to go. They take longer than we think they will. They teach us things for which we could never prepare. So when you find yourself at the foot of a path, don’t worry about everything ahead. Just take the first step. You will find your way. ~ Nikki Banas

 

These words resonated with me. My husband and I decided, as a couple, to bring about change together. But, as the months passed, a sense of fear and doubt took over my heart. My faith was weakened. I wanted to be in control of everything. I still do!

Although I’m still trying to let go, I now know that I can’t prepare for all of the unexpected challenges we’ll face after the move. By being aware of this fact, I can make any future blows less painful to deal with.

 

 

We cannot learn how to feel

“Almost anybody can learn to think or believe or know, but not a single human being can be taught to feel. Why? Because whenever you think or you believe or you know, you’re a lot of other people: but the moment you feel, you’re nobody-but-yourself.

To be nobody-but-yourself – in a world which is doing its best, night and day, to make you everybody else – means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight; and never stop fighting.”

~ e.e. Cummings: A Miscellany Revised

Water's Emotional Sway ~ Eric Zener

Habits die hard

We tend to say a lot of things that we don’t mean. We make New Year resolutions or wake up one morning with the intent to break free from a habit or a way of thinking. If only it were that easy! If only we had the willpower! If only a positive attitude could lead the way! Once we’re in a groove, we’re in a safe place. Some people refer to it as a comfort zone. Moving out of the groove isn't easy at all. It's challenging to change old habits and patterns that are biochemical, sensorial, behavioural, psychological, and relational. We might decide to change, but that doesn't mean it'll happen. We need to reprogramme ourselves, and that takes time and effort!

Why write?

I am who I am today because of my journaling. Because of the thoughts that I write down, I have a better understanding of who I am. I've suffered depression possibly my entire life. But I began writing at the age of 14, and it has been a coping strategy for me. It has made it easier for me to fight the good fight and maintain a positive attitude, no matter what life throws at me. It has also helped me become more alert and mindful of other people's struggles and I've learned to be more empathic. I would advise every young parent to read to their children and instill a passion for writing in them. In the 17 years that I spent teaching at Hoërskool Piet Potgieter, I never met anyone who loved writing as much as I do. When we can't write down our own thoughts, I believe we miss out on an incredible learning opportunity.

Make the most of every moment

Every storm on the horizon doesn't always come our way. The wind sometimes blows it in another direction. Because we can't foretell the future, we shouldn't be too concerned about it. Worry is basically useless unless it motivates us to take action. Rather than live in constant expectation, we should embrace the fact that whatever is destined to happen will happen. The best we can do is to prepare for the future by looking after ourselves in the present moment.

 

Poetry: The New Year

The New Year

 

I stood at the opened door

And looked into the New Year.

My loved ones were there

half-asleep in our future plan.

They weren’t ready, but then,

Neither was I.

I saw the shadows of the present

Float across the land and drift to

The great waters of the Atlantic.

This, the plan, would be where

We would live to see the sun set

On a distant horizon.

I know I can move through the year

Along the paths we have decided to choose,

But I’m hesitant as the lack of

Courage lifts me up on a breeze of

The unknown.

I want to be drenched in hope and expectation,

Yet, my mind persuades me to sit in silence

As the Old Year breathes out its final breath.

I’m not at the beginning, no.

I’m merely standing at the opened door

Of the New Year’s

Inexhaustible tomorrows.

Pedro Ramos ~ Unsplash

 

 

 

We all change with time

Keeping a journal will help you recognize how you change over time.

In 2011, I compiled my bucket list. It was apparently one of the hardest things I'd ever done. Reading the list makes me realize how much I've changed.

My bucket list today looks much, much different. 

1.   Move to Langebaan by the end of January 2022. 

2.   Settle down and explore the Western Coast. 

3.   Buy a 6 and 12 stringed guitar for my own entertainment.  

4.   Buy a camera and take photographs for my blog.  

5.   Put my health first with every choice I make.

Short and sweet.

Fear shouldn't deter us!

I read this quote once: “It’s hard to be a bright light in a dim world” (Gary Starta). It made me realize how important it is to radiate light and positive energy.

It doesn’t matter where we look, we are constantly bombarded with negativity. Facebook was something I used to like, at one point in my life, but it’s now overrun with advertisements, and negative comments and pictures. The only reason I haven’t closed the account yet is that I’m curious (FOMO at its best). But you’ve heard about what curiosity did to the cat, haven’t you? Methinks I need a new hobby. I think it might be a good idea to make 2022 the year of less scrolling and more getting out into the world. 

With my brother’s untimely death on October 25, 2021, I’ve been reflecting on my own health and life choices. My husband and I have worked our fingers to the bone to put bread on the table in this little bushveld town for the past 21 years. We’ve raised our children here. It’s only been a matter of existence. It doesn’t feel like we’ve lived. As a result, the recurring question since Johan’s death is: Do we uproot and relocate, or do we stay here?

A similar attempt was made in 1999 but failed. Should the fear of bumping my head twice deter me from taking another chance?  

Fear shouldn’t discourage us from the opportunity to shine. My light needs to shine again. It has dimmed here for some unknown reason. And the dimming began long before the tragic night of 25 October. 

“Never be afraid to trust an unknown future to a known God.” ~ Corrie ten Boom

Finding value in joy

There was a time in my life when I measured the value of my life by my work. Even though I felt valued at school and in the classroom, the system didn't bring me joy. I had the opportunity in the past to climb the ladder but chose not to. In retrospect, I realize that my decision saved my life.

I know many people who live by their status and reputation. They live by comparison. As a consequence, they are governed by status, brands, and competitive living styles, and walk around with an enormous "should" on their shoulders. I've come to realize, for me, it's okay to not always do what I think I should or what others expect of me. It's okay to say no without having regrets. It's okay if I don't drive the car I can afford. It's okay to retire early if something steals my sanity, peace, or joy. And it's okay to rest and to be alone.

Since the day I was diagnosed with my irreversible illness, I have allowed myself to adopt an “I can’t ... anymore” mentality. And then my brother died. Yes! On 25 October 2021, my brother (51) who lived with us collapsed and died. Over the course of two profound weeks, we packed up his things and then my mother's. My mother went to Langebaan to stay with my sister. My husband, daughter, and I sold their furniture and painted their flat, which left me bent and filled with sorrow.

Despite my apparent unhappiness, my brain was rewiring itself. During this time, regardless of what I thought I was doing, I was getting back on my feet again (figuratively)! I didn't plan it. It just happened. 

I don’t have to question it because it’s natural for me to be resilient. I've always had the ability to get up once life has knocked me down. Instinctively, I know that the only way forward is for me to keep on moving (figuratively)!

I’ve had five days of debilitating pain, including today! Yet, with the rewiring, I seem to be on a different wavelength. I'm recognizing all the little things and moments that bring joy to my heart.

And even while I say this, everything is changing. Nothing stays the same. My husband is selling his business and we are packing up as a family. Soon, we will be moving to Langebaan to start a new chapter of our lives. This is causing a lot of stress.

Reflecting on what has happened, I think the biggest lesson I’ve learned in the past two weeks is this: Joy can be found when we stop living a life of negativity, criticizing and complaining and hating life, feeling sorry for ourselves, or focusing on everything that is bad, ugly, and cruel. 

This lesson gives me renewed hope for tomorrow.

Virtual Book Launch

My virtual book launch for Implicitly was a great success. I'd like to thank everyone who ordered an autographed book. I received a few photos from family and friends, which I thought I'd share. 

I want to thank Elpida Hohenberger for taking my book on her trip from Ohio, USA, to Greece. Here are some photos she sent.

 

And thank you Janet Haines who took my book on her road trip from Amanzimtoti, KZN, to Kimberley in the Northern Cape. 

Another photo piece of the launch puzzle has arrived. Thank you, Kirsten, who travelled all the way from Gauteng to KZN to collect her book (LOL!). May you also enjoy travelling through the pages! 

Implicitly - my latest novel

Synopsis

Implicitly is a love story about learning who to trust. Gwendolyn (Gwen) Zowitsky’s twin sister, Annie, has met a new guy. Ryan Vorsatz invites Annie to spend a weekend with him fishing in a forest on the outskirts of the city. Annie asks Gwen to go with her because she doesn’t know Ryan at all – they had only met twice. Gwen tags along unwillingly but soon feels uneasy about Ryan especially when she sees his three hooded companions. When Annie takes a nap, Gwen follows Ryan into the forest. Strange things happen and Ryan is forced to flee with Gwen to a shack on higher ground. He sends a radio message to Eddie, the supervisor of the private property to look after Annie. 

Gwen falls in love with Ryan, but he manipulates her through deception and lies in his attempt to find a syndicate leader known as Stealth Strider. Gwen meets his brother, Daniel, and an army of Russians in the forest, which makes her more aware of the danger she and Annie are in. Gwen loves Ryan and lands in situations where she has to make a choice to leave or support him. She keeps choosing him even though she doesn’t trust him, and he leads her further into danger in his search for Stealth Strider. Daniel warns Gwen to be wary of Ryan. Daniel tells her that he is the only person she will learn to trust. Gwen soon discovers that Stealth Strider was Ryan’s mother, Sofia Vorsatz who was killed by one of the syndicates. Stealth Strider has been activated again two years after the shooting and because her body was never found, Gwen is convinced Sofia is still alive. But Sofia wouldn’t have activated Stealth Strider and throw herself in the spotlight? Who then was pretending to be Stealth Strider and why? 

Gwen meets Daniel and Ryan’s father, Nick Vorsatz, who makes her even more afraid. Ryan takes Gwen to a glade in the forest to a sunken shipping container. Here Gwen discovers a Russian prisoner, Yelena Babanin, who gives her a memory stick with evidence to destroy Ryan’s maternal grandmother, Khristina Engelhardt. Yelena tells Gwen to only trust Ryan with the information, but Gwen is confused and hides the memory stick. What is the connection between Sofia Vorsatz and Yelena Babanin? When Ryan is shot, Sofia returns home. Her story coincides with Yelena Babanin’s and describes her mother, Khristina Engelhardt, as a blood-thirsty narcissist. When Gwen finally gives the memory stick to Ryan, they find the much-needed evidence against Khristina Engelhardt to have her listed as a number one traitor for many of the syndicates Nick Vorsatz had been working for. The truth starts to unfold. Daniel and Ryan leave for Russia to find Khristina and invite Gwen and Annie to go with them. Here Gwen and Annie discover who the real enemy is.     

Blurb

In a matter of one day, a stranger takes control of Gwen’s freedom. She has to trust Ryan or die. After all the games, deceit, and lies, she keeps choosing to go with him in his search for a dangerous enemy: Stealth Strider. His brother makes her more aware of the danger she is in. Gwen is given the evidence Ryan needs to find the person who killed his mother. But her trust falters when it least should. Throughout the story, trust subtly builds a track record and Gwen learns to love the man she trusts the least. 

Available at: Groep 7 Boekwinkel

E-book: click here

Chapter 1

I closed my eyes and saw Ryan lying in a pool of blood. I had bludgeoned him to death with my millionth side glance. I faced the tragic reality as the ill-fated engine sputtered and gasped for the last time, and a benumbing silence filled the air.

Perched on the edge of the back seat like an anxious child, I leaned forward and craned my neck as far to the front as possible. It was the moment of reckoning: I knew where I was going to die.

In wide-eyed bewilderment, I stared at the car’s bonnet knowing that beneath it was a dead engine. My anxiety grew in proportion to the scene of desolation. Not one vehicle had passed us since we left the main road. Not one! We were in an ominous forest devoid of humans, which to my mind meant only one thing. We were stranded in the middle of nowhere, exposed and vulnerable.

Everything was grim inside the stillness of the car, but outside, where the road and trees were engulfed in deep and somber darkness, it was worse. A quiver of unease ran through me.

I turned my head slowly to look at the driver and then at the passenger in the front seat, my sister, Anne Zowitsky. She was the reason why we were in this predicament, and why I bristled when I saw her sitting in passive politeness chewing her gum.

“Annie!” My voice ruptured the silence in the car, and both Annie and Ryan jumped.

Her hand shot up in the air, palm facing forwards and fingers splayed, in an attempt to stop my hysteria from escaping.

“Don’t!” she said vehemently, gawping almost in my direction into the dark.

Being ever the rebel, I shifted forward between the seats and twisted my torso to face her. It wasn’t a comfortable position half suspended between the car’s roof and handbrake, but I needed to make myself visible to her.

“You must at least let me say what I’m thinking!” I was being ruthless because I wanted her to acknowledge and accept full responsibility for everything that would go wrong over the weekend.

“No!” she said between clenched teeth.

“Honestly, I need to say it! You’ve got to be kidding me, right?”

“Not now, Gwen! Not now!”

“Then when? When can I be hysterical because this looks like the perfect time for me to lose it?”

Annie’s seat belt snapped open, and she scrambled out of the car. I admired her courage in that irrational moment but was horrified to see her jeopardize her own safety outside in the dark.

Meanwhile, Ryan remained frozen in his seat. I couldn’t believe it! I shifted to look at him and then lost it.

“Ryan!” I yelled frantically. “Get out of the car and do something!”

Within seconds he was outside the car, more for wanting to avoid my near-hysteria than for knowing what to do. He swaggered to the front of the car where Annie was and fidgeted endlessly in his attempt to open the bonnet.

I stared at them, knowing exactly what was going to happen. Annie and Ryan would look brainlessly in at the engine and send a desperate prayer into the universe. They were in dire need of a miracle or a telepathic step-by-step guide on how to fix it because what did they know about engines? Nothing! He didn’t even know how to open the bonnet.

Let me backtrack because the breakdown was not the cause of my frustration. It was merely the last straw for me. First, we lost our GPS signal and then lost our way! It was bad enough leaving home so late in the afternoon and driving into the night, but losing signal was more than I could bear. I told Ryan and Annie quite emphatically we shouldn’t continue our journey to the cottage. I pleaded for them to turn back to the main road. Did they listen? No! My reasoning fell on deaf ears. Ryan continued to drive onward into oblivion and let me make it clear: I don’t like obliviousness.

When we came to a fork in the road, Ryan hesitated before choosing to keep to the left. He argued the river was to our left, and the cottage was near the river.

At that particular point, I couldn’t roll my eyes anymore. I would’ve pulled an eye muscle and forever regretted spending the weekend squint-eyed and unfocused!

My foul mood had been brewing since Thursday. I didn’t want to come on this trip, but Annie didn’t want to come without me because she didn’t know Ryan at all. Now I ask: Who in their right mind goes off with a stranger for a weekend break? Annie does because she’s naive.

Don’t think for one minute I didn’t try to prevent this weekend from happening. I did! I argued the subject to utter decay, but Annie wouldn’t take no for an answer. It’ll be nice, she said. It’ll do you the world of good, she argued. Just come for my sake, she pleaded. The grave consequence: My fate was held in abeyance as I sat in the dark with no one to turn to for support.

With an impatience born of desperation, I switched on my cell phone’s flashlight, opened the door, and reluctantly stepped out of the car. I was tired, stiff, and upset, and needed to pee. In fact, I needed to pee more than an hour ago when we passed through the last town before turning off onto this desolate piece of hell road. Ryan had mumbled something about us being near our destination and not wanting to make another pit stop. So I was subjected to bobbing up and down in the car on the pitiful excuse of a bumpy road, sitting with my knees clamped together and praying for the preservation of my dignity and strength for my bladder to hold.

Standing outside the car was a daunting experience. I looked around at the absolute darkness. The wind in the trees gave the illusion we were near the sea, but we weren’t! The last thing I was experiencing was a relaxing weekend break. My mind was filled with images of corpses and ghosts and devils and demons … and death! The eeriness filled me with ominous foreboding and, to make it plausible, an unwelcome shiver ran down my spine. Perforce, I was led to a deep and reverential respect for whatever was writhing out there and hastened to the front of the car.

There I found the two star-crossed lovers sitting on the edge of the car, at leisure, with their backs to the engine. It didn’t take them long to realize opening the bonnet had been a waste of time and energy.

I stepped forward with feigned temerity. My hands rested on my hips.

Ryan looked at me and said ever so friendly, “The cottage isn’t too far off. Let’s grab our things and start walking.”

Was I the only frantic person standing at Death’s door? My eyebrows shot up, and I looked at him in disbelief. But Annie glared at me. So I kept quiet. After all, this was her new boyfriend. It was his trip and his need to fish and rest. Everything revolved around Ryan. I was nothing more than a compliant chaperone and needed to shut up!

I was deeply stung by her lack of compassion for what I was going through. But, with no alternative options, what could I do? So I took my bags and followed Ryan and Annie deeper into the devastatingly dark forest.

There were no celestial lights to shine down on us beneath the leafy canopy. We only had our cell phone flashlights, with batteries near depletion.

Let me take this opportunity to tell you about Annie. She’s a 28-year-old hairdresser who loves her work. She’s clever, creative, and a passive observer of life. Annie loves reading, eating, binge-watching Netflix, and eating. Oh, did I mention that? Then let me emphasize, she never picks up weight. She can eat the metaphoric elephant one bite at a time and still have the figure of a catwalk model, all skin and bones. Being a typical Libra, she’s tactful, kind, and charming. She’s the epitome of beauty with her long dark hair and blue eyes.

Few people know Annie and I are fraternal twins. Whenever we mention it, people look at us in disbelief. They would say, “Twins?” scrunching up their faces, adding, “Really? Wow! Twins? Who’d have thought?” They say it with so much conviction! You would swear our parents had conspired against us and we were condemned to live a perfect lie.

Even though I share the same Zodiac sign as Annie, we differ in more ways than one. One of the few things we have in common is our creative talent.

My name is Gwendolyn Zowitsky, and I’m a graphic designer. Unlike Annie, I hate sitting still for long intervals unless I’m designing. So I’m disinclined to read or watch movies. The only time I make an effort is when Annie is overwhelmed by a story and annoys me to no end.

I pick up weight quite easily. So I starve myself more than I should and practically live in the gym. My hair is lighter than Annie’s and is cut in a less than perfect bob. My blue eyes are frustratingly four-eyed. Yes! Annie is the avid reader, but I’m the one burdened with glasses.

I don’t care much about fashion. I’m good at running my mouth and standing up for myself, and I’m the one to take action when we find ourselves in a difficult situation.

I always think of Annie as a colourful cosmos on a long, slender stem. She attracts people like the cosmos attracts birds and bees and butterflies. Annie is easy-going, thrives in the worst of conditions when she has company, and doesn’t need a lot of preparation to be beautiful.

I’m more like the sunflower. I’m slightly bigger and taller than Annie. My head is always heavy with unnecessary thoughts and because I tend to dip into negativity, it’s a constant challenge to face the light and be positive. But I always turn to the light!

It’s perhaps here I need to emphasize, I hate the outdoors and so does Annie. So understandably, she wouldn’t have survived the weekend with Ryan on her own. We’ve never hiked, camped, or gone fishing.

Why she thought a weekend in the middle of nowhere in the company of a stranger would be okay, as long as I was with her, eluded me. She was convinced it would be fun. We could read, and play cards, or board games, and … Yawn!

Her sudden infatuation with Ryan Vorsatz was nauseating.

 

Covid-19: my mind at different times today

What if we could take a shower and wash away every trace of this illness. Wouldn't it be great to go back to normal and pretend we never tested positive? We wouldn't have to live in isolation and listen to each other cough in another room.

 ...

Our symptoms started late Sunday afternoon, 11 July. We didn't know, though. I mean, I've had sinusitis, a basic cold, and flu this year. On Tuesday, Nick tested positive. On Wednesday, I tested false-negative and on Friday the results came back positive.

My worst day was Thursday. The physical, emotional, and mental experience of knowing we have the virus and the reality of moving through the various phases of the illness brought fear closer to home. Suddenly nothing seemed to matter except following all instructions religiously to get better. 

Everyone that's been through it has their own story to tell. And now, we are just another two of them. Not more, not less. Just sick. Fighting. Unfocused. Praying. Waiting. 

...

I think the hardest part of it all was seeing Jana risk her own health to take care of us, while maintaining order in the house and working as a lawyer remotely, doing pre-trials online. She remained positive, cheerful, and committed. We ate healthy food. Drank medicine. Steamed. She made jokes and tended to our every need. Doors divided us, but our voices were alive with love.

Today, I have hope. We're okay. We're going to beat this. We're sick. Tired. Out of breath. Coughing. But, we're doing okay and before long we'll be just fine.

...

During my week of absolute illness and fatigue, my mind wandered along new avenues.

Today, I must be feeling much better because I am writing again. And even saying this, I cannot know for sure whether I am focused or not. What I do remember thinking about is the reality of loss. My mind wandered closer to the shadow of death, not because I believed I was dying. I feared hospitalization for perhaps one long night of difficult breathing. 

It wasn't my death that filled me with absolute sorrow. I was reminded of death. My mother-in-law passed away on 13 April and my cousin's wife on 11 July. Knowing how one memory of death leads on to another, it is quite normal that I thought of my father and my cousin, Nico. I was also reminded of my aunt who died last year. 
Then, I started to fear new losses. I started to consider my mother's age and her state of health. 

Fear reduces me and I do not care for self-reduction. That is why I find it comforting to know we are living “in a day of salvation”​ - a time when God extends a warm invitation to all people to draw close to him and be saved (2 Corinthians 6:2). To be saved does not mean recovery from Covid-19 and continuity of my imperfect life. For me, the difference between life and death is the breath I have to breathe with my imperfect body. This imperfection can lead to illness with imperfect consequences: recovery or death. 

To sit down and pray for life would mean I would have to pray for the healing of imperfection. Some would refer to it as a miracle. I cannot do this because, while I discriminate regularly on an imperfect level, I do not believe in a god of discrimination that allows one imperfect person to heal and another to die. If indeed God shows favour, how then did Christ die for all? 

Quite simply, I believe the imperfection of the body determines life or death. Better for me then, it is to pray for calmness during trials and tribulation. More importantly, I pray for forgiveness of my shortcoming to draw closer to God during the "day of salvation". Salvation means the deliverance of sin and its consequences. Hence, for me, it is more than merely praying to save an imperfect body. It is about praying for endurance to live this imperfect life of mine while aiming for perfection. It is about an imperfect attempt to save an imperfect heart, mind, and soul. In other words: I pray for wisdom and humility to recognize my flaws, and to keep on trying to do better and to be better. Drawing closer to God (James 4:8) does not guarantee imperfect life on earth, but it does determine a future.

As far as life is concerned, no one is perfect or has it perfectly. So, I imagine we have not arrived yet. We are still on our way.

 

It's merely an opinion!

I’m probably the only person who thinks like this and really it’s okay.

I believe that God has put people in my life so that I can make a difference in their lives. They don’t have to make a difference in mine. It’s my life. It’s my purpose.

I believe that God has put people in my life so that they can make a difference in my life. I don’t have to make a difference in theirs. It’s their life. It’s their purpose.

I believe that God has put people in my life so that I can make a difference in their life and they can make a difference in my life. It’s my life. It’s their life. It’s not “our” life. It’s my purpose. It’s their purpose. It’s not “our” purpose.

1) I don’t live in expectation.

I accept reality. There's no standard reward system for social relationships or social interaction. When there's no expectation, there's no resentment or frustration. Relationships and interaction aren’t forced. Life flows.

2) I have a purpose on earth.

My purpose is always to try and do what is good. That's it! I give 100% and expect 0% in return. It equates to happiness. Doing good involves acts of kindness like helping or listening to people, thinking of a specific person, or praying for someone.

My purpose is to take ownership of my life and to take care of myself. I can’t pour from an empty cup. There’s nothing wholesome in trying to please others and putting unnecessary pressure on myself when I’m not feeling okay. So, if I don’t want to extend myself to help someone and I give 0%, it’s not the end of the world! I’m allowed to rest.

3) I can't control others, but I can control myself.

I can't control how other people think or behave or react. I don’t share their perspectives and I don’t walk in their shoes. Because I experience life in a unique way, I accept the fact that others also experience life in a unique way. No one has the right to dictate who I am and what I should do. So, I don’t do it either. I accept ME for who and what I am, and I accept OTHERS for who and what they are. I'm allowed to give my opinion, but it's merely an opinion – not the law. What people do with my opinion is their choice. The same can be said about the opinion of others. Their opinion is merely an opinion – not the law. What I do with their opinion is my choice.

Life is not perfect. It’s emphatically hard. Because life is hard, I can't judge people. All I can do is live each day to the full and control how I'm going to respond to what happens during each day.

"Blessed is he who expects nothing, for he shall never be disappointed." ~ Alexander Pope

Trapped in a home spiral

I think the spiral began when I forgot that I can actually leave my house. I only left it once during January, and that was to go and see the doctor. This has made me more negative than usual.

Dealing with normal waves of negativity is hard, but that’s what life is all about: the good, the bad, and the in-between. Ultimately, we learn to cope when we’ve been dealt a bad hand. I’ve always had the ability to be resilient, to bounce back when life has slapped me to the ground.

What usually keeps me going is the fact that everything changes; nothing stays the same. This motivates me because I know that, whatever hits me, “it too shall pass”. Sadly, things are different now. Since my visit to the neurologist in September 2020, I can’t anticipate a change regarding my neuropathy. It’s very clear that “it shall not pass”. 

The waves of negativity that I’m experiencing at the moment aren’t normal. It’s as if I’m trying to survive a tsunami every day. What I need to do is to prevent the negativity from spiraling out of control. Consequently, I need to start thinking of things I can do rather than bemoan my inability to teach. Yes, this year I would have been a teacher, teaching English to Grade 12 students. Instead of focusing on what I would have been, I need to move on. 

Living with constant neuropathic pain is difficult. I can’t always manage the pain. I’m not taking any medication because it doesn’t ease the pain. It just makes me feel groggy and then I move around with a “Nope, not now” attitude, which doesn’t serve a purpose for anyone – not even for myself. The reality is that just one nerve on its own is extremely complex. Trying to treat all the peripheral nerves with a painkiller is futile because there is no way of knowing which specific nerve needs the treatment. My strength and courage aren't found in my ability to stifle the pain. It's found in my ability to feel, understand and accept the pain. I refuse to be a victim! 

I’m not trapped inside my house because of COVID-19. I’m stuck because of the pain. If ever I do go bonkers, this is why: pain isolation. (Not that I’ll ever lose my mind. I write. It’s the only antidepressant that works for me.)

I’ve been living in denial for far too long. Living in “rest mode” is fine, but I need to do two very important things. 1) I need to get out more. 2) I need to find ways to enjoy each day to the hilt. I have a few ideas running around in my head and as soon as they settle down, I’m sure I'll find some perspective. Perhaps I should copy my daughter and start my own vision board. This is hers for a perfect day:

Learning is a lifelong process. Eventually, I’ll know how to live with the pain and stay positive. In the meantime, I need to be patient and wait for my brain to climb on board and believe what my heart keeps telling me: "Whatever the mind can conceive and believe, it can achieve." ~ Napoleon Hill.