Wednesday, 3 February 2021

Trapped in a home spiral

I think the spiral began when I forgot that I can actually leave my house. I only left it once during January, and that was to go and see the doctor. This has made me more negative than usual.

Dealing with normal waves of negativity is hard, but that’s what life is all about: the good, the bad, and the in-between. Ultimately, we learn to cope when we’ve been dealt a bad hand. I’ve always had the ability to be resilient, to bounce back when life has slapped me to the ground.

What usually keeps me going is the fact that everything changes; nothing stays the same. This motivates me because I know that, whatever hits me, “it too shall pass”. Sadly, things are different now. Since my visit to the neurologist in September 2020, I can’t anticipate a change regarding my neuropathy. It’s very clear that “it shall not pass”. 

The waves of negativity that I’m experiencing at the moment aren’t normal. It’s as if I’m trying to survive a tsunami every day. What I need to do is to prevent the negativity from spiraling out of control. Consequently, I need to start thinking of things I can do rather than bemoan my inability to teach. Yes, this year I would have been a teacher, teaching English to Grade 12 students. Instead of focusing on what I would have been, I need to move on. 

Living with constant neuropathic pain is difficult. I can’t always manage the pain. I’m not taking any medication because it doesn’t ease the pain. It just makes me feel groggy and then I move around with a “Nope, not now” attitude, which doesn’t serve a purpose for anyone – not even for myself. The reality is that just one nerve on its own is extremely complex. Trying to treat all the peripheral nerves with a painkiller is futile because there is no way of knowing which specific nerve needs the treatment. My strength and courage aren't found in my ability to stifle the pain. It's found in my ability to feel, understand and accept the pain. I refuse to be a victim! 

I’m not trapped inside my house because of COVID-19. I’m stuck because of the pain. If ever I do go bonkers, this is why: pain isolation. (Not that I’ll ever lose my mind. I write. It’s the only antidepressant that works for me.)

I’ve been living in denial for far too long. Living in “rest mode” is fine, but I need to do two very important things. 1) I need to get out more. 2) I need to find ways to enjoy each day to the hilt. I have a few ideas running around in my head and as soon as they settle down, I’m sure I'll find some perspective. Perhaps I should copy my daughter and start my own vision board. This is hers for a perfect day:

Learning is a lifelong process. Eventually, I’ll know how to live with the pain and stay positive. In the meantime, I need to be patient and wait for my brain to climb on board and believe what my heart keeps telling me: "Whatever the mind can conceive and believe, it can achieve." ~ Napoleon Hill.


When I look at myself ...

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