Sunday, 6 March 2022

I'm a survivor

I live with constant pain every second, minute, hour, day, week, month, and year of my life. I try to live a normal life and do what I can, enduring the pain according to my ability.

I repeat myself, lose concentration, or get stuck in a thinking rut because my brain is constantly focused on the pain. I'm trying hard to be a survivor and not a victim, which is difficult for other people and me. It's hard to remember that I'm a survivor when I act as if I have no pain. I hide my pain well. Sadly, in survivor mode, I give people the impression that I'm okay and don't have an emotional and mental burden to carry. It's exhausting to live a double life.

I need emotional support more than anything else because, while I live as a survivor, I'm the only one aware of and living with the constant pain. The key here is to focus on "constant" and not "pain." I'm fighting depression because of this constancy. So, I'm not only hiding pain. I'm also hiding depression. Every second, minute, hour, day, week, month, and year, I tell myself everything is okay. I do this because I've chosen to be a survivor.

It's the hardest thing I've ever experienced. And I have no other choice but to endure it. There are so many moments when I catch myself in the act: feeling like a victim, feeling sorry for myself. I can't fight this battle when I'm weak, when I'm the victim.

Life is what I make of it, but I need others to know that I'm suffering in silence as a survivor most of the time. Support this, and I'll have the strength to endure another day. 

When I look at myself ...

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