Habits die hard

We tend to say a lot of things that we don’t mean. We make New Year resolutions or wake up one morning with the intent to break free from a habit or a way of thinking. If only it were that easy! If only we had the willpower! If only a positive attitude could lead the way! Once we’re in a groove, we’re in a safe place. Some people refer to it as a comfort zone. Moving out of the groove isn't easy at all. It's challenging to change old habits and patterns that are biochemical, sensorial, behavioural, psychological, and relational. We might decide to change, but that doesn't mean it'll happen. We need to reprogramme ourselves, and that takes time and effort!

Why write?

I am who I am today because of my journaling. Because of the thoughts that I write down, I have a better understanding of who I am. I've suffered depression possibly my entire life. But I began writing at the age of 14, and it has been a coping strategy for me. It has made it easier for me to fight the good fight and maintain a positive attitude, no matter what life throws at me. It has also helped me become more alert and mindful of other people's struggles and I've learned to be more empathic. I would advise every young parent to read to their children and instill a passion for writing in them. In the 17 years that I spent teaching at Hoërskool Piet Potgieter, I never met anyone who loved writing as much as I do. When we can't write down our own thoughts, I believe we miss out on an incredible learning opportunity.

Make the most of every moment

Every storm on the horizon doesn't always come our way. The wind sometimes blows it in another direction. Because we can't foretell the future, we shouldn't be too concerned about it. Worry is basically useless unless it motivates us to take action. Rather than live in constant expectation, we should embrace the fact that whatever is destined to happen will happen. The best we can do is to prepare for the future by looking after ourselves in the present moment.

 

Poetry: The New Year

The New Year

 

I stood at the opened door

And looked into the New Year.

My loved ones were there

half-asleep in our future plan.

They weren’t ready, but then,

Neither was I.

I saw the shadows of the present

Float across the land and drift to

The great waters of the Atlantic.

This, the plan, would be where

We would live to see the sun set

On a distant horizon.

I know I can move through the year

Along the paths we have decided to choose,

But I’m hesitant as the lack of

Courage lifts me up on a breeze of

The unknown.

I want to be drenched in hope and expectation,

Yet, my mind persuades me to sit in silence

As the Old Year breathes out its final breath.

I’m not at the beginning, no.

I’m merely standing at the opened door

Of the New Year’s

Inexhaustible tomorrows.

Pedro Ramos ~ Unsplash

 

 

 

We all change with time

Keeping a journal will help you recognize how you change over time.

In 2011, I compiled my bucket list. It was apparently one of the hardest things I'd ever done. Reading the list makes me realize how much I've changed.

My bucket list today looks much, much different. 

1.   Move to Langebaan by the end of January 2022. 

2.   Settle down and explore the Western Coast. 

3.   Buy a 6 and 12 stringed guitar for my own entertainment.  

4.   Buy a camera and take photographs for my blog.  

5.   Put my health first with every choice I make.

Short and sweet.

Fear shouldn't deter us!

I read this quote once: “It’s hard to be a bright light in a dim world” (Gary Starta). It made me realize how important it is to radiate light and positive energy.

It doesn’t matter where we look, we are constantly bombarded with negativity. Facebook was something I used to like, at one point in my life, but it’s now overrun with advertisements, and negative comments and pictures. The only reason I haven’t closed the account yet is that I’m curious (FOMO at its best). But you’ve heard about what curiosity did to the cat, haven’t you? Methinks I need a new hobby. I think it might be a good idea to make 2022 the year of less scrolling and more getting out into the world. 

With my brother’s untimely death on October 25, 2021, I’ve been reflecting on my own health and life choices. My husband and I have worked our fingers to the bone to put bread on the table in this little bushveld town for the past 21 years. We’ve raised our children here. It’s only been a matter of existence. It doesn’t feel like we’ve lived. As a result, the recurring question since Johan’s death is: Do we uproot and relocate, or do we stay here?

A similar attempt was made in 1999 but failed. Should the fear of bumping my head twice deter me from taking another chance?  

Fear shouldn’t discourage us from the opportunity to shine. My light needs to shine again. It has dimmed here for some unknown reason. And the dimming began long before the tragic night of 25 October. 

“Never be afraid to trust an unknown future to a known God.” ~ Corrie ten Boom

Finding value in joy

There was a time in my life when I measured the value of my life by my work. Even though I felt valued at school and in the classroom, the system didn't bring me joy. I had the opportunity in the past to climb the ladder but chose not to. In retrospect, I realize that my decision saved my life.

I know many people who live by their status and reputation. They live by comparison. As a consequence, they are governed by status, brands, and competitive living styles, and walk around with an enormous "should" on their shoulders. I've come to realize, for me, it's okay to not always do what I think I should or what others expect of me. It's okay to say no without having regrets. It's okay if I don't drive the car I can afford. It's okay to retire early if something steals my sanity, peace, or joy. And it's okay to rest and to be alone.

Since the day I was diagnosed with my irreversible illness, I have allowed myself to adopt an “I can’t ... anymore” mentality. And then my brother died. Yes! On 25 October 2021, my brother (51) who lived with us collapsed and died. Over the course of two profound weeks, we packed up his things and then my mother's. My mother went to Langebaan to stay with my sister. My husband, daughter, and I sold their furniture and painted their flat, which left me bent and filled with sorrow.

Despite my apparent unhappiness, my brain was rewiring itself. During this time, regardless of what I thought I was doing, I was getting back on my feet again (figuratively)! I didn't plan it. It just happened. 

I don’t have to question it because it’s natural for me to be resilient. I've always had the ability to get up once life has knocked me down. Instinctively, I know that the only way forward is for me to keep on moving (figuratively)!

I’ve had five days of debilitating pain, including today! Yet, with the rewiring, I seem to be on a different wavelength. I'm recognizing all the little things and moments that bring joy to my heart.

And even while I say this, everything is changing. Nothing stays the same. My husband is selling his business and we are packing up as a family. Soon, we will be moving to Langebaan to start a new chapter of our lives. This is causing a lot of stress.

Reflecting on what has happened, I think the biggest lesson I’ve learned in the past two weeks is this: Joy can be found when we stop living a life of negativity, criticizing and complaining and hating life, feeling sorry for ourselves, or focusing on everything that is bad, ugly, and cruel. 

This lesson gives me renewed hope for tomorrow.