When did it really start?

Many of my posts are about pain, and I’m sure my readers are tired of reading about it. I often feel as if I’m stuck in a loop of repeating what I’ve already said. I never reread my articles once they’re posted. Today I stumbled across an article I wrote in 2008, and I now realize I’ve had it wrong. My pain didn’t start in recent years.

The start of something bigger (13 August 2008)

The year is 2008. I turn 43 towards the end of October. I wake up in the mornings in pain. And I wonder: Is it arthritis?

Of course, the first thing that enters my mind is the revelation that I do not really know what arthritis is. I know it involves inflamed joints, but what does that mean? Why do joints become inflamed? The minute I Google it, I find over a hundred rheumatic diseases and conditions that may affect the joints and muscles, bones, tendons, and ligaments. Damage can be done to the skin, organs, and eyes.

I sit still in awe.

I have often thought that rheumatism or arthritis is an old-age sickness. It’s not. I look at my symptoms just to get a head start. I’m tired. I ache. I even have sore eyes. Sometimes I’m over-stressed and depressed – ever so slightly depressed, nothing major. My fingers, wrists, knees, ankles, and feet ache constantly. Every day, I wake up feeling stiff and in discomfort. Sometimes I even wake up several times during the night because of the pain. Even though I have no idea what is wrong with me, I realize I need to visit my doctor. I also need to look at what I’m eating. I can’t ignore that I work long hours, exercise irregularly and have a problem being overweight.

I believe there is no medical drug that can cure the detrimental effects that arthritis has on the body. Most of what I read is meant to reduce pain and inflammation. The medicines and treatment available provide relief, but when one thinks of all the side effects of drugs, and the price, where exactly does the solution lie?

The good thing about arthritis is that it’s not a significant cause of death like heart disease or cancer. The swelling and tiredness, strangely enough, can be handled. Pain, on the other hand, is a whole new ball game. The most significant future dampener lies in knowing that I can become immobile and dependent on help from (hopefully) family members.

I believe we are what we think. If I allow the pain to affect me mentally, I will only feel pain and enable it to control my life. And that’s not viable. Being overworked and stressed to the limit, I realize the importance of rest. So, positive thoughts and more rest seem to be an immediate solution. Well, both are possible. It’s not as if I must save money or go out and buy a whole supply of fresh fruit and vegetables before I can achieve anything.

Positive thoughts require a realistic view of my situation. I need to take it easy and pay attention to my body. I need to adapt not only physically but also mentally to my limitations. And it won’t help at all to feel frustrated or anxious about the situation. The greatest gift of all to whatever I’m dealing with is that I have such a supportive family. I always refer to my husband as my pillar of strength. Having the love, sympathy, and support of him and my children helps me through each day.

One day at a time sometimes becomes one hour at a time. And I’m only beginning with my tribulation. This is but the start of something. Yes, I’ve been suffering for perhaps more than a year now. But I do realize it’s getting worse. I would like to encourage everyone who seems to be going through a similar thing to visit their doctor as soon as possible. I always wait almost until everything is unbearable, and that’s not the way to go about life.

I remain optimistic as I know that the advances made in the medical field can, in the long run, prove to bring an end to a lot of the symptoms arthritis sufferers suffer. I look at my mother, who has been suffering for almost ten years now. Her fingers are distorted and stiff. Yet, she persists in endurance. She’s my hero!

The lesson I learned from this article is that when we live an unbalanced life where our work starts to control us, we forget about past health issues. This can’t be good. In my case, had the peripheral neuropathy been diagnosed back then, would my life be different now? Had I known, would I have taken better care of myself to avoid the decline in nerve damage?

In the end, it is what it is. Now, I must live with the damage. Strange as it may sound, it makes me feel slightly more optimistic knowing that I’ve been coping with pain for 14 years because it gives me hope to continue doing this for another 14 years and more.

Our only limitations are the ones we set up in our own minds. ~ Napoleon Hill  

 

I'm a survivor

I live with constant pain every second, minute, hour, day, week, month, and year of my life. I try to live a normal life and do what I can, enduring the pain according to my ability.

I repeat myself, lose concentration, or get stuck in a thinking rut because my brain is constantly focused on the pain. I'm trying hard to be a survivor and not a victim, which is difficult for other people and me. It's hard to remember that I'm a survivor when I act as if I have no pain. I hide my pain well. Sadly, in survivor mode, I give people the impression that I'm okay and don't have an emotional and mental burden to carry. It's exhausting to live a double life.

I need emotional support more than anything else because, while I live as a survivor, I'm the only one aware of and living with the constant pain. The key here is to focus on "constant" and not "pain." I'm fighting depression because of this constancy. So, I'm not only hiding pain. I'm also hiding depression. Every second, minute, hour, day, week, month, and year, I tell myself everything is okay. I do this because I've chosen to be a survivor.

It's the hardest thing I've ever experienced. And I have no other choice but to endure it. There are so many moments when I catch myself in the act: feeling like a victim, feeling sorry for myself. I can't fight this battle when I'm weak, when I'm the victim.

Life is what I make of it, but I need others to know that I'm suffering in silence as a survivor most of the time. Support this, and I'll have the strength to endure another day. 

Tell your story

Every person has a story to tell, and every story is similar in two ways. Firstly, we all began our life journey at birth. And secondly, the paths we have walked, the experiences we have had, and the people we have met have helped us become who we are. In our failures and successes, we have learned many lessons that have been vital to our survival. 

In the past, people kept journals. Today, social media allows us to share images and status updates that shed light on our thoughts and experiences. By sharing our emotions, our dreams, our fears, our efforts, our pain, our hopes, and our joys with others, we create powerful learning opportunities. Life experience is a master teacher and when we share ours with others, we empower them. 

Have you ever considered writing a book? I've helped several people write their life stories. Sadly, not all of them persevered, so their stories remain unpublished.

Our lives are too short not to take advantage of all the resources available to us. If you're not able to write your own life story, look for someone who can help you. Let your story be an inspiration to others.

I write so others might contemplate things that are out of the ordinary. I write to make people feel—to cause laughter and tears and anger at injustice. I write so the world will imagine and wonder at crazy, incredible truths. I write to have a tiny bit of influence on a universal conscience. ~ Richelle E. Goodrich

Writing seemed to me to be the most natural thing to do during my college days. I could not open up to others, and so I started writing my thoughts in my journal. It gave me a sense of calm and peace. And now after so many years to write my thoughts in my journal still seems to me to be the most natural thing to do. I am still not able to open up easily in front of people. And so writing keeps me sane! ~ Avijeet Das

Touching people’s hearts through your words is the only job that you could do, and nobody has to hire you for it. ~ Misbah Khan

And so I write. I write my life. I write to escape real life. I write to live moments over again. I write to rewrite the moments I’ve lived over in a way that makes more sense to me. I write the moments to heal. I write the moments I hope never happen. And I write the moments I hope will happen. ~ R.B. O'Brien

Facebook can be a guiding light

It isn’t something that comes with age. Quite frankly, I’ve never been a fan of change. When I was a child, my father was in the army. Every three years, we would relocate to a different town and attend a new school. Because I was shy and insecure, I was not too fond of it.

 

At the age of 56, I’m confronted with change again. I’ve been worried about it since my husband, and I decided to relocate from the bushveld in early 2020. We’ve been here for over 20 years and are in desperate need of a change. It has taken some time for my ill-health application to retire to be processed and finalized, and, at last, I have a date! My employment with the Department of Education will end on February 28, 2022. Then I’ll be free to go wherever I want.

 

The barrage of emotions I’ve felt this year has worn me down. I was so overwhelmed when I saw the following on Facebook.

 

You don’t need to see the entire path to take the first step. You can take the first step with fear and doubt. You can take it with hope and trust. Too often, we think we need to have it all figured out and planned before we can start. But the truth is, the best journeys taken aren’t planned from start to finish. They take unexpected twists and turns to lead us where we need to go. They take longer than we think they will. They teach us things for which we could never prepare. So when you find yourself at the foot of a path, don’t worry about everything ahead. Just take the first step. You will find your way. ~ Nikki Banas

 

These words resonated with me. My husband and I decided, as a couple, to bring about change together. But, as the months passed, a sense of fear and doubt took over my heart. My faith was weakened. I wanted to be in control of everything. I still do!

Although I’m still trying to let go, I now know that I can’t prepare for all of the unexpected challenges we’ll face after the move. By being aware of this fact, I can make any future blows less painful to deal with.

 

 

We cannot learn how to feel

“Almost anybody can learn to think or believe or know, but not a single human being can be taught to feel. Why? Because whenever you think or you believe or you know, you’re a lot of other people: but the moment you feel, you’re nobody-but-yourself.

To be nobody-but-yourself – in a world which is doing its best, night and day, to make you everybody else – means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight; and never stop fighting.”

~ e.e. Cummings: A Miscellany Revised

Water's Emotional Sway ~ Eric Zener

Habits die hard

We tend to say a lot of things that we don’t mean. We make New Year resolutions or wake up one morning with the intent to break free from a habit or a way of thinking. If only it were that easy! If only we had the willpower! If only a positive attitude could lead the way! Once we’re in a groove, we’re in a safe place. Some people refer to it as a comfort zone. Moving out of the groove isn't easy at all. It's challenging to change old habits and patterns that are biochemical, sensorial, behavioural, psychological, and relational. We might decide to change, but that doesn't mean it'll happen. We need to reprogramme ourselves, and that takes time and effort!

Why write?

I am who I am today because of my journaling. Because of the thoughts that I write down, I have a better understanding of who I am. I've suffered depression possibly my entire life. But I began writing at the age of 14, and it has been a coping strategy for me. It has made it easier for me to fight the good fight and maintain a positive attitude, no matter what life throws at me. It has also helped me become more alert and mindful of other people's struggles and I've learned to be more empathic. I would advise every young parent to read to their children and instill a passion for writing in them. In the 17 years that I spent teaching at Hoërskool Piet Potgieter, I never met anyone who loved writing as much as I do. When we can't write down our own thoughts, I believe we miss out on an incredible learning opportunity.