The Profound Loss of My Mother

Life has a way of unfolding in unexpected and unpredictable ways, throwing us into a whirlwind of emotions and challenges.

My beloved brother passed away in October 2022, and I haven't fully come to terms with the loss. And now, adding to the weight of this grief, I have recently lost my mother.

It all began in the latter months of 2022 when my mother, who was living with my sister, started showing signs of fatigue and disinterest in her daily activities. Her energy waned, and she increasingly spent her days sitting and doing nothing. She complained about pain in her hips, shoulders, and various parts of her body; it was especially bad in the mornings. She also battled to sleep through each night because of the pain.

Because I suffer from Peripheral Neuropathy and we've shared the same symptoms for years, I wondered if it was the cause of all her pain.

Her condition continued to worsen. Late January 2023, she experienced new symptoms. Her right eyelid began to droop and she soon lost a great percentage of vision in the eye. The left side of her body was weaker than the right side, and her pain became worse!

We took her to a doctor, keeping things like a stroke or Parkinson's in mind. We were desperately hoping for answers that would bring clarity and a path to healing. The doctor examined her and said it was the general aches and pains associated with old age and arthritis, and her eye problem was sinus-related. The medication didn't help and so we took her to another doctor for a second opinion. He made the same assessment and gave similar treatment.

Over the weeks of March, concern and unease settled within us as my sister and I watched her health decline. Simple tasks like walking became arduous for her. She walked with a walking frame from her room to the lounge and back again but spent most of her days in bed. She ate less and started losing a considerable amount of weight.

By mid-April, she was frail. We had a nurse come in twice a week to help us look after her. My mother lost control over her bladder and bowel, and her left forearm and hand would swell for a day or two, recover, and then swell again. In a matter of weeks, her ability to move had declined to the extent that she was confined to her bed. She started hallucinating, was constantly thirsty, and had difficulty swallowing.

Understanding the gravity of the situation, we contacted Dr. Appelgryn who made a late evening house call on 16 May. The next morning, as requested by the doctor, my sister and her husband took my mother to his emergency room for monitoring. My mother had an irregular heartbeat, low blood sugar, and high blood pressure. Dr. Appelgryn diagnosed her with what he believed was lung cancer that had metastasized to her brain. He also believed that there was a tumor behind her right eye.

He referred her to Somerset Hospital in Green Point, where she was admitted on 18 May. X-rays were taken the same day revealing a mass in her chest. She stayed in the hospital for further evaluation and on May 23, a CT scan was performed. We were then given the devastating news that she had stage 4 lung cancer that had metastasized to her liver and brain. Even though we had heard the initial diagnosis from Dr. Appelgryn, we were left in a state of shock when it was confirmed.

She was transferred to the Vredenburg Hospital for palliative care on Thursday, 25 May. We knew our time with her was painfully limited, but we didn't know that it would be so short. Despite her incredible bravery and determination to fight, her weakened body could not withstand the aggressive progression of the disease, and she passed away on 27 May.

As I reflect upon this heart-wrenching journey, it serves as a powerful reminder of the fleeting nature of time and the importance of looking after our health. My mother was one of the healthiest women I know. She never went to doctors for flu or any general ailments and never had any operations. She was confident in her health and never went for any check-ups.

While the pain of loss is profound and may endure, I find solace in the knowledge that she is finally free from the suffering that plagued her for so many months. I hold on to all our cherished memories to give me strength.

It was my mother who inspired me to be a go-getter. She also inspired me to start writing novels in 2003. Her unwavering love will continue to inspire me to embrace life fully.

If ...

If you lose your confidence when all about you look confident, and you blame your incompetence on them …  If you constantly worry that the things you make and the things you do aren’t good enough, and you compare yourself to others … If people seem to have it better, or bigger, or more complete than you, and you feel you don’t measure up to them … then you need to STOP and consider:

People exist.

People have the right to breathe, think, speak, work, take action, make choices, embrace imperfections, form judgments, question, provide answers, experience both success and failure, learn (or not learn) from mistakes, hold beliefs, harbour fears, face challenges, and truly LIVE a life that is based on their unique upbringing and experiences. Each person has the right to decide whether to pursue personal growth or remain as they are.

There will always be someone who attracts or repels your attention! You don't have to like everyone and not everyone is obliged to like you in return! Each person has the right to express their individuality. When you realise that you are you, and other people are not you, a light switches on in your mind. You will always understand that there isn't a fine line of difference between you and someone else, but a profound chasm! The distinction between people is vast and profound. The fact that people are unique should be admired and embraced, rather than disregarded or rejected.

The way forward is shaped by your perspective of the world, the people within it, and most importantly, your perception of yourself.

Work exists.

There will always be something to do! If you consciously choose to pursue your passions, your days will not feel like eternal hell! Through the meaningful work you do, you'll meet new people and experience new things. There will always be something to learn! You will learn valuable lessons from every person you meet and every experience you have, regardless of their nature, and these lessons will catalyze personal growth.

The way forward lies in your perception of work, people, and the learning process.

Through the eyes of negativity, everything is shrouded in gray. You tend to focus on the shadows instead of the light. You'll see your daily struggles and forget that these struggles are an integral part of life – only the dead have no problems.

Confidence is key!

Confidence will let you move more easily through each day. Confidence will let you believe in yourself; you will stop fearing the judgment and opinions of people. Confidence will alleviate needless worry and guide you towards better paths, and empower you to influence those around you to follow more constructive paths.

Confidence helps you to make better decisions. This is important because your current choices are influenced by ingrained habits. If you don't have a confident perspective of the world (your community) and all the people in it, you will always sink into the muck and mire of life. If you don't glean lessons from life with confidence so that you can grow and change, your habits will stay the same and you will continue to make the same choices and experience the same outcomes. 

The way forward is a winding path, that leads over hills and mountains, and through ditches and valleys. It's not an easy path, but it's a way forward. Never settle for a path that makes you walk in circles, devoid of progress.

If you can see yourself and your life through kaleidoscopic lenses, you have already achieved profound success.

Be enlightened or be quiet!

Like many countries, South Africa has terrible heavy vehicle accidents on the highways and byways. You can’t miss the news headlines: At least 3 killed on N3 truck accident; Bloody start to weekend after six killed in truck crash on KZN’s R56; Deadly KZN N3 pile-up … Other headlines read, South Africa: Deadly Attacks on Foreign Truck Drivers; ATDF Reveals That Truck Driver Who Caused An Accident Is A Foreigner; SA’s Operation Dudula targets foreign national drivers and companies that hire them after deadly crash kills 19 school kids …

Let us look at a few perceptions!

• All truck drivers are men.

Fact: Women also drive trucks – a small percentage that’s growing.

• Truck drivers are Black.

Fact: White people also drive trucks.

• Truck drivers are mostly foreigners.

Fact: There is a need for more truck drivers in South Africa. The question to ask is: Why?

• Truck drivers don’t care about the safety of other drivers.

Opinion: Do drivers, in general, care about the safety of others on the roads?

• Truck drivers drive recklessly.

Opinion: Who doesn’t? Take a day off, sit in your car in a parking lot at any mall, and observe!

Here’s a short analogy! 

Many people don’t trust truck drivers behind the wheel. They expect an accident to happen! To go a few steps further: When there’s a truck accident, it’s always the truck driver’s fault. The truck driver is guilty of the deaths of everyone in the accident. The children of truck drivers are also to blame for the accident and all the deaths and cannot be trusted behind the wheel of any vehicle because they have the same reckless genes as their truck-driving parents. 

Comparatively speaking, many Black people don’t trust White people. They expect them to behave in a racist way. To go a few steps further: when there is a White person in the room, it is always the White person’s fault when there’s an incident. Never mind whether the cashier was rude or the service was poor. The White person is not allowed to get angry. A Black woman can throw tantrums in shops, but not a White woman. The White person is guilty of whatever (always) because of Apartheid. The children of White people are also racist and to blame for Apartheid. And so, hate and division continue because of Apartheid.

Many will say: If there is any hate and division in South Africa, it’s caused by political parties that claim to stand for a united democratic country but show bias toward the White people of 2022! Do you agree? Well, someone needs to be blamed. Rather than taking ownership of our own bias, let us point fingers. Read that again if you must.

Then along comes Charlize Theron or Their-In to fuel the South African fires of disparagement. Who? Charlize T’ron ... the pretty, tall, South African American White actress who has disowned her heritage.

Ironically, the thoughtless actions of companies and people like Dis-Chem and Charlize Theron bring people together! Did you see who stood up to Charlize? Imagine what this country could become if we all stood together without bias.

I won’t waste my time with bias or Charlize’s choice of 44 and her impression that the language is useless. We all know Charlize’s words are not based on facts. But I would like to spend a few minutes saying something about Afrikaans being a bastardized language. No one seems to have given attention to this statement by Charlize Theron! Is this perhaps because people believe it to be true. 

Yes! Afrikaans is an amalgam of Dutch, French, German, English, and the four Khoekhoe-branch languages, Nama, Kora, Cape Khoekhoe, and Eastern Khoekhoe. Regarding the latter four, you will find words in Afrikaans that originate from these languages. For example, there are plants with names originating from Nama, like the noenieboom, gharrabessie, and gonnabos.

Now, let us focus our attention with particular pride on how languages evolve. In the same way plants adapt, all languages adjust to environmental conditions over time and engage in slow and regular change processes. We think of the Romance languages derived from Latin (Portuguese, Spanish, Italian, etc.), the Germanic languages and their offshoots, and the derivations of Arabic, Chinese, Indian, and languages of Asia, Micronesia, Africa, and the Americas. Whenever dialects and languages are cut off geographically, they will form entirely new languages. A good example is a unique Afrikaans dialect in Patagonia, Argentina. 

Of course, we may be influenced to look at ourselves as bastard people with a bastard language, as Breyton Breytenbach described us, rather than a nation and language that has evolved (come into existence through the processes of change). If we believe this bastard business, we are nothing better than Charlize Theron, and we will continue to be grossly disrespectful of who we are.

Should we ever decide to look at the Afrikaner’s evolution, let us do the same regarding the modern Xhosa, Tswana, Pedi, and every other nationality of the rainbow nation. Let us sit down and scrutinize the migration, dispersion, fission, wars, and settlements of South Africa’s people and carefully study the tremendous impact of Western culture on traditional African society. Let us be enlightened!

When enlightened, we can sit down, open our mouths, and speak! Until then, lest we don’t want to look like idiots, we should be quiet about the Afrikaans language!

How I started earning pennies!

Yes! The title is correct. I started my own business and now earn pennies! And every penny pays something.

What led to this initiative?

I retired at the end of February (ill health) and lost two-thirds of my monthly income. So, I needed to find a way to earn more money. At age 57, I’m not keen to educate myself to do things – especially things I’ve never done before. Regardless, I had little choice! 

Was I motivated?

Earning is a product of learning! As a teacher, I did this for more than 30 years. I knew that starting my own business would put me a few (plus/minus a thousand) lessons away from earning money.

My field of expertise

I can teach! I can also write stories and poems. But I don’t have a creative (entrepreneurial) brain to invent or discover or elonmusk my way to great fortunes. Hence, the pennies!

How did I do it?

Phase 1

I created a website! I had an idea and put everything into the website. Of course, it took me more time to delete than create, but I eventually did it! 

Phase 2

Once the website was ready and available, I used social media (okay, more specifically, Facebook) to attract clients. 

The outcome

Within the first month, I made R250. My income increased to R750 by the end of my second month, and in my third month, I made R1550.

I know what you’re thinking! It would be better if each figure had more zeros at the end. I suppose you could look at it from that angle, but I see it more positively. Initially, I had nothing! Three months later, I had more than zero in my pocket. I’m proud of what I have achieved. Going from zero to hero (R1550) in 90 days was a fantastic accomplishment!

What did I experience?

We make choices every day. We can sit back, complain, blame the world for our situation, or get up and find a way to change it! Doing something is better than doing nothing. In my case, the word “try” didn’t exist. It’s a word people use when they: i) expect things to go wrong, ii) plan to fail, and iii) rely on excuses rather than effort. I never once said I would try to make a website, find clients, and earn money! From the word go, there was no option. I was set on making a website, finding clients, and earning money! And none of it was a picnic! The website was a two-month/60-day nightmare, and finding clients was a humbling experience because there are rude people out there. In the end, earning money, even if only pennies, was a well-deserved reward! 

Is there a lesson to be taught?

There’s nothing wrong with working for a living!

 

Stillness, but I’m still breathing!

It has been several months of stillness, but I’m still breathing. I may not have written about my experience living on the West Coast of South Africa, but I continue to live my purpose: to live my life to the best of my ability and to do good. 

If you’ve read my blog, you’ll know moving for me is a very traumatic experience. I don’t like change, and I don’t like the unknown. The fear has always been about losing what I have. An old saying fuels this fear: You know what you have but don’t know what you’ll get. Of course, I’ve moved many times, and I still believe the worst move ever was from Bulawayo to Witbank in 1980. This does not make my most recent move seem less traumatic. Trauma is trauma. It wasn’t easy to leave the bushveld in Limpopo after living there for over 21 years. I was leaving behind so many memories and close friends. What made the move harder was the fact that I was already traumatised. I was going through two stages of loss: the loss of my health and career and the double loss of my brother (death) and mother (she moved away). 

My desire to move to the West Coast started when I stopped teaching on 7 October 2020. During the time I was waiting for my retirement to take effect, I mostly stayed at home. There were a few occasions when I went out for tea with a dear friend, had my hair and nails done, or visited various doctors and therapists, which was required for the ill-health retirement application. I also cleaned the house, removing everything I didn’t want anymore. I was experiencing the same stages one goes through when dealing with grief: shock and denial, pain and guilt, anger, depression and loneliness, adjustment, reconstruction, and acceptance and hope.

I was still trying to cope with my newly diagnosed illness and the end of my career when my brother died on 25 October 2021. Both my mother and brother were living with me at the time. My mother moved in November to live with my sister on the West Coast. It was a united decision that she move away from the place of trauma. With my brother and mother gone, the house was too big, and the emptiness made me more determined to move. So, I started packing in December. I wrote the following poem about my mother’s move to help me cope at the time:
 
Parting with Mother (76)
 
Feet follow swiftly ghost trails of habit
To stand at Mother’s closed door
With news of something insignificant –
But she’s not there anymore.
 
A seven-year rhythm was established
For a heart wanting to share;
I’m left alone to ponder loss again
And left in total despair.
 
I quietly question life’s teachings and
Reflect on what’s left behind;
I consider the paths ahead of me
And the lessons undefined.
 
Moving forward with courage overwhelms –
The school of life has taught this once before; 
I’m shaped and fashioned to wait for the day
To walk again through her door.

At the end of February 2022, we finally moved, and we’ve been on the West Coast for six months.

Why haven’t I written about my life on the West Coast? After all, the move has done me well, and I live in a beautiful part of the country. Simply put, I haven’t been writing because all the trauma has had me hiding from and fearing many things. As a result of my illness and death in the family, I have become more aware of my mortality, and now that I’m here, I’m trying to keep my health a priority. I’m taking beach walks and resting. This helps in many ways to keep the ghosts of the past from staying too long to haunt me and gnaw away at my sanity, especially when I move through the stage of denial. I’ve stopped trying to figure out where my health went wrong because I’m focusing on acceptance. My illness is hereditary. Nothing I could change in the past would have prevented the illness and saved my health. Of course, it’s not only the stage of denial that repeats. The other stages of grief for loss are all cycles of my life, and each stage can last a while or pass quickly. Still … the healing has begun. Everything is new and fresh and makes it easier for me to let go and move forward. I’m processing, processing, processing. And I’m getting there.

The sand of my mind-dunes is shifting every day! I’m learning to keep the doors closed that I’ve already closed. I’m learning to stop rewriting the chapters of the past that have already been written. The stillness will probably continue for a while because I have no desire to blog or write another novel. And today, I just needed to share what is going on in my life.        

From my novel: The Power is Yours

 

Chapter 3 Fearfully and Wonderfully Made

The purpose of life is not to be happy. It is to be useful, to be honourable, to be compassionate, to have it make some difference that you have lived and lived well.

~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

 

You can’t have a successful future if you don’t know why you are here. Remember: you are amazing. You are also unique. What you have to offer the world is rare, and that adds value to who you are.

You weren’t born by accident. It doesn’t matter who your parents are or what the reason is that led to your birth. If your birth was not meant to be, you would not be here now. Surviving nine months of pregnancy, birth and life up to this point is purposeful. Yes! Knowing that you are here, alive, and able to do something means that you are living a life of purpose.

Everyone on earth has the purpose to survive the onslaught of life’s experiences and continue living. Everyone on earth has the purpose to share their experiences and act as an example for others who may be experiencing similar things. Everyone on earth has the purpose to contribute to and enhance society.

Your purpose here on earth is to survive, continue living, and contribute to society to make it better.

You may ask: “How can I survive each day and remain worthy so that I can continue living and contribute to society to make it better?” You cannot do it on your own. That’s why so many people fall apart. They’re trying to exist independently.

God created you for His glory. To glorify Him means that you have to acknowledge Him as your Creator, and praise and worship Him every day. He’s not your Sunday-God. He’s your Every-Day-God. The further you are from Him, the smaller He measures in your life. The closer you are to Him, you will realize that He is big, and strong, and mighty.

You fulfil your purpose of glorifying God by living your life in a relationship and faithful service to Him every day. Since God created you and endowed you with a measure of His qualities, your purpose on earth cannot be fulfilled apart from Him. Knowing God and making Him an important part of your life will benefit you. 2 Peter 1:2 (NLT) says: “May God give you more and more grace and peace as you grow in your knowledge of God and Jesus our Lord.” Include Him in your daily life. Build a solid relationship with Him so that all your relationships here on earth will be built on that foundation.

It takes faith to find your purpose.

People who walk in faith believe they have a purpose in life. You, too, have a purpose in life. God has amazing plans for you. In Jeremiah 29:11-13 (NIV), it reads: “‘For I know the plans I have for you,’ declares the LORD, ‘plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.’” Seek Him and acknowledge that He is in control. He is the One who has plans for you. Why, then, do you worry?

Those people who are inclined to believe that their purpose on earth is to pursue fortune and fame are the ones who focus on social power and lead a life of materialism. Your life should be based on spirituality. Focus your attention on God and His purpose for you. If you can believe in things you cannot see, you have faith, and faith can move mountains. The amount of faith you put out there in the world is the amount of energy that will be returned to you. In Matthew 17:20 (NLT), Jesus explains it so beautifully: “You don’t have enough faith … I tell you the truth, if you had faith even as small as a mustard seed, you could say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there’, and it would move. Nothing would be impossible.”

You are a source of abundant energy.

Because you are a source of abundant energy, your quest to survive, continue living and contribute to society is energy-driven. Your passion in life is linked to all your energy. If you are passionate in life, you will have an abundance of healthy energy and you will be able to contribute your energy and passion to society. By focusing on all your strengths, you will have a positive attitude, and your contribution will enhance the society in which you live. Of course, you cannot ignore your weaknesses. You have to recognize and address them so that you can continue to grow as a healthy and energetic person.

Many people become obsessed with looking for their purpose in life. Many feel their life is worthless because they haven’t found their purpose. The truth is that there is no perfect well-defined purpose, so don’t waste your time looking for one. In Matthew 22:37-40 (NIV), we read:  “Jesus replied: “‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’ This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbour as yourself.’ All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments.” These two commandments are purposeful. Just being here now, loving God, loving yourself, and loving your neighbour is purposeful. And who is your neighbour? Everyone you interact with.

Even if you don’t understand why you are here or what you are supposed to do, remember one important thing: your whole life is a big picture. Living in the moment means you can only see part of your life’s picture. By living in the moment and living to your full potential, you can contribute purposefully to the bigger picture. God is in control of your life picture. So, you can let go of the reigns. Focus all your energy on the here and now rather than the past or the future. This will ensure happiness.

Happiness is made up of small fractions of seconds.

You live now! Everything you do and experience now should make you happy. If you can focus on making the present moment worthwhile, you’ll be creating beautiful memories and you’ll be securing a better future for yourself and for the people who are a part of your life.

How can you make the present moment worthwhile? Focus on breathing when there’s chaos. Take a literal step back and observe what is happening around you. Focus on others rather than yourself. God didn’t add another day in your life because you alone need it. He added it because someone else also needs you in their life. Yes! Somebody needs you to be there for them. Look around you. The world is full of self-obsessed people who are egocentric and selfish. Step out of that crowd. Be different.

Purpose can be seen in the ability to reach out and contribute to others, helping them and trying to make a positive difference in their lives. While it may not seem as if you’re making a difference, in the future, you will have played a significant part for something or someone else. All the choices you make now will impact not only your future, but also the future of others. Fred Rogers said, “If only you could sense how important you are to the lives of those you meet; how important you can be to people you may never even dream of. There is something of yourself that you leave at every meeting with another person.” Your value is raised when the impression you make or leave with others is good.

You rub off on others just as much as they rub off on you.

The more time you spend with specific people, the more opportunity you get to accept their habits and ways of thinking. Through observation and listening, you become them. The same can be said about them: they become you. The lesson here is given in 1 Corinthians 15:33 (NIV): “Do not be misled: ‘Bad company corrupts good character’”. Choose the people you spend time with wisely.

Every day, while you focus on other people, helping and motivating them, it’s important to take responsibility for your actions. For example, if you work hard and earn a lot of money, your purpose is not to give your money to people who are suffering financially. These people are suffering for a purpose that has nothing to do with your purpose. You can listen to them compassionately and motivate or encourage them, but it is not your responsibility to support them financially. You need to help them realize that they need to set goals in life like you did. They need to work hard to achieve their goals, and change their attitude and become positive, like you did. It is also not your responsibility to help others on their happiness journey – especially not when it is at the cost of your own happiness.

How then can you help others? Dave Willis said, “Show respect even to people who don’t deserve it; not as a reflection of their character, but as a reflection of yours.” Do good deeds! Listen to people and show an interest in them. By doing this, you are already doing something profound. People don’t really listen anymore, do they? They don’t show an interest in others, do they? You can! Be the one who comforts, advises, motivates, encourages and sets an example of optimism. Keep the balance, though.

Don’t ever sacrifice your time and energy to such an extent that you are left feeling drained. Try and be there for specific people. You can’t be there for everyone. Those who have a tendency to drain you are the pessimistic ones who will never change, simply because they do not desire to change. They are the people who enjoy being victims of their own circumstances and will only bring you down. So, it’s best to walk away from them rather than exert yourself over and over again. There are many people out there who are more deserving and will appreciate your help. If you let people walk all over you, you teach them (as well as yourself) that you approve. So, don’t allow people to walk all over you!

No-one and nothing in life stays the same.

As you continue to move forward on a daily basis, your perspectives and relationships in life will change and so too your purpose. The same can be said about other people. Learn to be prepared for change. Yes! You will continue contributing, but when change occurs, you must be flexible in your thoughts and actions. When people leave, or circumstances change, be prepared for it. New paths and new opportunities emerge every day, not just for you but also for other people. When relationships like friendships become strained because change has occurred, you should rely on your inner strength to let go. There’s no use in holding on to something that simply doesn’t work.

While you are here, live your unique and amazing life to the best of your ability. Work on being healthy. Work on being positive. Work on being energetic, passionate, happy and satisfied. Everything you need in life is within you, so spend some ‘alone’ time with yourself and get to know yourself. This is important because your feelings and desires drive you. Learn to understand your feelings and desires. Spend time with God every day so that your purpose is always aligned with His purpose for you. In doing so, you will learn the value of love, His greatest gift to you. 1 Corinthians 13: 2-3 (HCSB) says: “If I have the gift of prophecy and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have all faith so that I can move mountains but do not have love, I am nothing. And if I donate all my goods to feed the poor, and if I give my body in order to boast but do not have love, I gain nothing.”

If you take action on what you feel or desire, without analyzing or criticizing it to death, you can easily identify your purpose (what you want to do every day and how you want to contribute to society). When your feelings and desires are negative, it is important to avoid reacting to them. A negative attitude and negative thoughts attract negative things. A positive attitude and positive thoughts attract positive things. So, focus on positive thoughts and things.

 

Raise your head and believe in your inner power

It's impossible to fathom the power within you. It doesn't matter if you fall or fail. Whatever seems to break you or crack you open is the very thing that teaches you a valuable life skill. No matter how long it takes, learning from it is not a sign of weakness; it's a sign of growth.