Study hard ...

"Study hard, for the well is deep and our brains are shallow." ~ Richard Baxter, The Reformed Pastor

This is the beginning of a whole new adventure. I have decided to study further at the age of 47 almost 48, give or take 13 days.

I am not sure whether I am insane or mentally deprived of something, but here's to the next 24 months!

Your religion or mine?

In life, we experience many things. Life offers us a great variety of opportunities and whether we grab them or not, nothing ever really stays the same. One opportunity leads to another just like one choice leads to another. We’re permanently living the consequences of our choices, constantly learning and constantly changing.

Our thoughts and our viewpoints change over time. We get a different perspective of certain things and gain a new understanding. Eventually, there is a change in our emotional state and our beliefs. We evolve. We grow. Most people don't allow themselves to change. They keep experiencing the same old problems, patterns, issues, responses, reactions, and hold the same old grudges. They reason: “I was born like this; I will die like this” or “My father was like this and I am like my father”.

The society and world prefer it that we don’t change. Society wants the average person in the ordinary world to be consistent. There’s so much pressure on us to be like everyone else. While we are always concerned about what others think of us, we need to ask: What is it that other people do for us? They want us to conform to their way of thinking and be like them. They constantly judge us for who we are. Worst of all is that the majority of people believe they are better than others. (Who decided that one life is worth more than another?) We have all been created to live here on earth and we have been created with differences. We have different needs and different perspectives.

A good example to look at is religion. There are many religions on earth today because of changed viewpoints and perspectives. When we look at our own religion, we see that it too has changed in many ways over time. Our religion was given to us by our parents. From a very young age we were told by them what to believe and we accepted their teachings without any questions. Some of us feel a sense of instilled guilt when we believe otherwise so we don’t change our beliefs and refuse to consider other religions. In fact, we tend to look down at other religions quite unfairly and with prejudice. 

Most of our actions spring from our behaviour. Our natural behaviour is simply an automatic response system. It is based on what, how, and how much we have been taught. Religion is a programmed behaviour. It's not the name of a building or the choice of religion that determines our faith. Faith remains within our hearts because God reads hearts and not the names of the churches we attend.

Change is inevitable, but while we live our lives - filled with many opportunities and differences - we need to learn to live with mental flexibility and accept other people as they are without forcing change upon them. We also need to respect other people for who and what they are.

Living Menopausally in Denial

I'm turning 48 in October. I really don't mind because I've never had a problem with my age. I've lived my life well and I have no regrets. With age comes a lot of problems: mentally, physically, spiritually, and emotionally. I know I'm aging, but sometimes I'm not aging very well. My body and my mind tell me many stories.

I've had many debilitating experiences with headaches. What upsets me the most is the fact that my doctor continually refers to them as stress-related. I love the way most doctors I've seen want to blame all my health problems on stress. Yes, I do suffer from a lot of stress. I've done that my whole life. I was a little girl, 7 years of age, when I had terrible nightmares because of stress. My father wanted to send my sister and me to boarding school. Whether or not it was just an idle threat on his part, it had an adverse effect on me. So, I know what stress is. I grew up with it. I also know what fear is. I've grown older with that as well. Prior to moving to South Africa, I never really had many fears. The ones I remember are minor in comparison to the ones I developed in this country. So, I find it difficult to believe my headaches are stress-related.

I was about 20 years old when I had my first severe headache. I remember I had to lie down and cover my eyes with a towel to block out normal daylight. Throughout my life, I've suffered from these headaches. I've had what some refer to as auras, but my doctor tells me I don't suffer from migraines. They're tension headaches. He says my stiff neck is the reason for the visual problems, so they're not auras. He also says the stiff neck is the result of tension. I always thought the headaches caused the auras and the stiff neck. What do I know? I'm told to drink anti-depressants. I never do and eventually the headaches pass for a long time. Then they return. Meanwhile, I am always stressed.

Now that I'm older, the headaches are different. In fact, they seem worse. I have burning sensations in my head and three different types of pain.
"They're tension headaches."
"Could it be my hormones, doctor?"
"No! They're tension headaches."

Is my doctor living in denial of menopause? I do not know. What I do know is that I'm sick and tired of these headaches!

A journey, not a destination

I work hard and I work a lot. I've diagnosed myself as a workaholic. I work continuously because when I work, I don’t have to think about all my problems. More often than not, I forget the purpose of my actions, but I continue to work.

Unfortunately, I get tired. That’s when things become difficult and my thoughts become more powerful than my actions. I start to lose concentration and my work eventually comes to a stop.  It’s at this point in time that I sense numbness in my life. It’s caused by excess stress and exhaustion, and then nothing seems to make sense.

It’s a wicked cycle, one year to the next. Now, as I near the end of 2012, I look back at the months that have flown past and I realize it’s been an incredible journey of survival, from one milestone to the next. These milestones have kept me going. They have helped me to focus on moving forward.

I watch people interacting with me and I realize, to them I am who I am, the same person I was yesterday and the same person I was a year ago. Inside, it’s a different story. I've climbed over so many obstacles in the past few months that I’m not the same person I used to be. Inside, I’m broken and every day something else inside me seems to crack or fall apart. It’s a constant deterioration of who and what I am. Nobody sees it and to me it’s never mattered because any weakness inside me is a flaw that the world does not need to know about.

Experiences have a way of stretching emotions in such a way that it often feels as if nothing will ever be the same again. I've stretched the barriers of my fears to such an extent that I often feel I can never experience joy again. Of course, any pressure I've suffered in the past has been just that, pressure! Being resilient has helped me to cope with it and press forward – even if it meant pushing forward as a workaholic to cope.

I've never learnt how to relax. I've spent so much time trying to meet unrealistic expectations, which I've placed upon myself that I've never been able to enjoy life.  I've suffered so much loss. While death comes to mind, my loss hasn't just been tangible. Many things I've lost cannot be monetized, and the pain and devastation associated with it have been hard on me. In a sense, I've never stopped grieving about my loss. The whole process of grieving is fluid, so there are no rules as to how I grieve or what I grieve about, but letting go has just never seemed an option.

Thus, my life has been riddled with bouts of depression. Yet, depression does not define me. I spend so much energy every day fighting negativity and making choices to be optimistic. I've been given this inner strength to conquer each day. I motivate and challenge people who lean towards pessimism, and somehow there’s been a certain measure of reward in that.

Going out with the purpose that I’m here to serve and not to be served has had an enormous impact on my life. It goes hand in hand with the idea that it’s better to give than what it is to receive and, then, of course, it’s better to remain humble, meek and kind …

I have two milestones in 2013: my 25^th wedding anniversary and my daughter’s 21^st birthday. I push onward in the hope of reaching both, but life is a journey, not a destination. To be able to live in the moment and survive it, that’s what I should be destined to do. So, these milestones are not destinations. They’re just part of the journey.

Death is hard, but living life is harder. Death needs courage, but, in the end, we need more courage to live.

Imperfections of our own

People aren't perfect and therefore life isn't perfect. Even the world we live in is anything but perfect! 

Our brains are created to think 'perfect' and even though we don't have perfect brains, we expect people and situations to be perfect. That's why so many of us focus on mistakes and errors. We complain and gossip about imperfections (forgetting that we have our own weaknesses with which to contend). 

It's good to know that our minds strive for perfection. It's also good to know that our minds and the way we direct our thoughts have an effect on our hearts and the way we feel. Having this knowledge means that it would be good to extend kind favour to everyone and every situation we encounter. 

Accept people as they are. Let them express themselves freely, wherever and whenever. Show empathy. If their words irritate you, it's you that's irritable. Don't take it out on them. Don't criticize! Until you have lived a minute in their lives or carried the burden they carry each day, you will never understand what makes them say and do the things they do. 

Self-control and self-evaluation reveal more about ourselves than we can ever imagine. Start at 'home' and tend to yourself, and then go out into the world and spread some love.

Short story:

A young couple moves into a new neighbourhood. The next morning while they are eating breakfast, the young woman sees her neighbour hanging the wash outside. 
"That laundry is not very clean; she doesn't know how to wash correctly. Perhaps she needs better laundry soap." 
Her husband looks on, remaining silent. Every time her neighbour hangs her wash to dry, the young woman makes the same comments. 
A month later, the woman is surprised to see a nice clean wash on the line and says to her husband: 
"Look, she's finally learned how to wash correctly. I wonder who taught her this?" 

The husband replies, "I got up early this morning and cleaned our windows."

So it is with life. What we see when watching others depends on the clarity of the window through which we look.

Nothing stays the same!

In life, there will always be someone who will try to encourage us to ignore the dark cloud, look for the silver lining, and focus on that. There will always be someone who will try to convince us that the glass is not half empty, but half full. They will urge us to think positively and then leave us with the cliché: You are what you constantly think!

We are motivated to try and be flexible in life. The paradigm shift theory is thrown in our direction. We have to change the way we think about things because in the end “everything flows and nothing abides, everything gives way and nothing stays fixed” (Heraclitus). Nothing stays the same.

It’s that simple: Change the way you think and think positively. The written message may be simple, but in reality, it’s not. The extent to which our mind will be open to change and optimistic thoughts are determined by our personality.

If nothing stays the same and we’re expected to change the way we think, how does it affect our personality? Can we change who we are?

When we are born, we are born with inherited characteristics – genetic characteristics. From the time we are born until the day we go to school, our parents or guardians are our role models. When we go to school, we change. Throughout life, we acquire characteristics through our family environment, culture, religious background, education, association, and experiences (both good and bad). Even television programmes and movies we watch, the music we listen to and other forms of entertainment leave their mark. When we recognize things that exercise positive or negative influences on our personality, we have the choice of whether we want to increase or minimize their effect. In the end, all these factors and influences affect the way our personality develops.

Our personalities can be changed. We are transformed according to what we think and feel. We have strengths and weaknesses, and we should learn to identify them. We have the power to develop our strengths and correct our flaws. The question we need to ask ourselves is: "What kind of person do I want to be?" The answer to that question leaves us with a choice. We can either dream about being a better person or we can make it a reality by steering ourselves in the direction of changing into a better person. 

While we cannot change our personalities overnight, we can improve over time. It’s not an easy task, but if we persevere we can achieve anything we decide to do. A secret to success is to be thankful for the opportunity to be able to change. If we hem our blessings with thankfulness, they won't unravel.

Go with all your heart!

There's a Chinese saying that reads: "Wherever you go, go with all your heart". This may seem to refer to a place, a destination, but, in essence, it really defines life: forward motion.

This in itself is very profound because you can never go back in time. You can only move forward. What passes can never be experienced again.

Each day is filled with moments that are either good or bad. Life unfolds in these moments. The good moments become memories and the bad moments build character. In each moment there is a simple duty to be fulfilled. If you are lazy, you will neglect the duty. If you are wise, you will put your heart into it.

You can go forward with all your heart if you are true to yourself, but you will never make progress or find joy if you are trying to do something you don’t believe in. Go out and find yourself. Discover your passion and make this your duty.

You may not be able to control the moments as you journey through each day, but you can make choices regarding the simple duties in these moments with which you keep busy.