My fifth novel: Through the Bark

At last, my fifth book has been self-published. This one is a fantasy novel. I’ve never wanted to write a fantasy novel because I'm too much of a realist, but I was challenged to try and write it by a few students in my class. Since I've never been one to back away from a healthy challenge, I picked up the gauntlet.

I see myself as a teacher with a hobby to write. I'm not really an author in the entire sense of the word. It's simply because I don't like the phase that happens after the book has been written: the marketing phase. I don't enjoy putting myself out there to advertise and sell my books. Contacting publishers only to be rejected is not my cup of tea. So, most of the time, I see my books as my legacy for my children.

Through the Bark is probably the most difficult book and genre I’ve written. Regardless, it has shaped me in quite a remarkable way. I write mostly in the evenings, over weekends and during school holidays. I started writing the book in November 2018. I chose to write in the first person – and to this day I have no idea why. Needless to say, somewhere along the line, in between preparing lessons, teaching, and assessing assignments, I lost my character. In July 2019, I realized the character in chapter six was not the same character with which I had started out in chapter one. So, I had to backtrack. Being tired, I decided to ditch the efforts. I stopped writing in August and threw the idea of being a fantasy writer out of the window.

In December, I read through the book and started from scratch with a new character. A whole new book came to light. I practically wrote the entire book during that holiday. Then I left it to rest until Lockdown, 2020. I completed editing my work in April.

I self-published the book through Groep-7 in Johannesburg. It is also available as an e-book with Kobo.

The blurb:

It’s the beginning of the end. The tree looms dark and tall over every challenge the young, depressed teenager has ever faced. Then, there’s the simple choice: to pick up the wooden beads or to leave them on the ground, half-hidden beneath the decaying leaves. Innocent curiosity brings a subtle transformation, which leads to betrayal and death. Within the dark and dank tunnels beneath the tree, there is a way that leads to sacrifice and a way that leads to eternal despair. Will courage be enough for this young hero to endure the consequences of the road taken?

Synopsis:

The story is about a young teenager who suffers from depression. The story is written in first-person narration. The teen in the story has no specific identity: no name, gender, age, or race. It’s basically up to the reader to decide what the identity is. I will refer to the teen as a boy in this synopsis.

The teen is an only child and an introvert who isolates himself. He walks to school and home every day. It is a thirty-minute walk. A huge oak tree is the halfway mark. One day the teen finds wooden beads beneath a tree that look like a bangle. He decides to wear the bangle. A strange metamorphosis takes place, where the teen starts to feel positive about life. The tree’s future is in jeopardy when plans for a shopping center are made. The teen wishes to protect the tree. The teen magically is pulled into the tree. Whenever he is inside, the tree cannot be chopped down. When the beads begin to glow, the teen knows that the tree is in danger. That is when the teen needs to enter the tree. Inside the tree, the teen is able to walk in underground tunnels. He meets Filbert and Quercus (tree creatures). He also meets Fachen, a one-eyed blue boy from a mystical forest. The teen enters the mystical forest and loses the beads. By the time he finds the beads, they are glowing. He races back to the tree’s underground tunnels to save it from being chopped down. Will he make it in time?

Chapter One:

Silent shadows dance eerily on the road as I walk home. I’m neither keen to get there nor stay out here in the dark. My pace is patterned on perception: I move quietly because I fear the ominous presence that moves with me and whispers in the air.

With only the moon and stars to guide me, it’s obvious why my imagination is running wild. It feels as if I’m being followed. I turn to look back, as I’ve done so many times before. Yet, there’s nothing there to see.

I focus on the tree ahead of me. Its silhouette stands gracefully against the distant horizon, waiting patiently, as always, for me to pass. It’s the majestic half-way mark.

I simply love this tree.

It has an air about it that demands respect and admiration. I’ve never walked home this late before. When the sun silently sets behind the mountain, I’m usually safe inside my room. I have more things to do inside the comfort of my room than in this chaotic world. I prefer to sit on my bed and read or write. I can stay there forever. I don’t care for social gatherings, friends, or company. There’s nothing that draws me to leave my room when dusk descends.

Tonight has been an inescapable exception.

I walk to school every day and home again – alone. The thirty-minute walk gives me time to think. I’m not fortunate enough to have doting parents who drive me to and from school. There’s a bus, but I’d rather keep the money for more interesting things.

My parents’ interest in me is purely for the sake of boasting because, when they were young, they never bothered to amount to anything that’s worth talking about. Yes, they attended school, played sport, and achieved good grades. Yes, they attended university and graduated. They both have well-paying jobs, but that’s all they really have. They work long hours to make ends meet: they are hard-working, taxpaying citizens who have no joy in life. I find no sense in their ceaseless chasing after the wind.

They’re like tamed birds in a cage. Even if the door is left open, they won’t come out. They’ve lost their sense of curiosity.

They’re more concerned about what others think of them, so they play it safe. Keeping up the appearances necessitates their constant fear of losing their social standing. This makes them obsess over protecting it. To them, status is everything. I, the protégé, have learned best from my masters. I walk in their shadow.

I wish I didn’t have to fear people. Surely, something should neutralize the constant fear of judgment.

My parents have failed in their conquest to look into themselves, to find inner wisdom to counteract their fear of judgment. They plod along blindly in the security of routine. They no longer focus on what they really want.

Everyone has a passion. Surely they, too, must’ve had something that they were passionate about at some point in their lives. What that is I’ll never know because I never ask – and never will. Instead of showing any interest in them, I stay out of their sight.

Their constant bickering sends me off into my own realms where music and books reign supreme. Within this sphere, I can control all influences and protect my cracked world from shattering into smithereens.

Tonight, I’ve had the opportunity to sit in the stuffy school hall for almost two hours doing absolutely nothing. As with most formal school functions, the awards evening was mind-deadening. Time fragmented into insanely unsatisfying moments and my mood constantly tipped inward to drink from the dregs of despondency.

The only thing that I gained from the experience is to realize (once again) that the blatant obsession to excel puts acute pressure on the youth to develop superior skills. There are too many expectations that cleave to our conscience and not one of these expectations has anything to do with us or with who we really are. We are made to believe that there will be dire consequences if we don’t excel; we are worth nothing without our distinctions. Hence, we become competitive and we compete only for the best.

Why do we do it? We do it to become part of the privileged, the cream of the crop, and we pay an exorbitant price to achieve this status.

While some of it is self-imposed, adults are largely responsible. Instead of teaching us to have a passion for learning or for life, they teach us to live without equilibrium.

What’s the point of having all these book-savvy A’s? None of us are passionate about what we’re doing. In the real world, far from all the school-book knowledge, we aren’t worth a single one of these A’s. We have no experience. We suffocate in confusion because we know too little about ourselves and how to live a life. We only know what others have told us and how to chase their dreams, which is absolute foolishness. We’ve become over-protected, over-indulged, book-intelligent teenagers with neglected virtues, and our souls are impoverished.

The tree distracts my train of thought.

Dark and tall, it looms over me. I stop and look up at it with nothing less than awe and admiration. The prodigious tree stands independently and with such stature.

I ooze forward into the shadow thrown across the desolate road, with no intention to leave. It’s just me and the tree.

I try to wrap my mind around the significance of the moment. There’s an inner struggle of resistance I can’t explain. How is it that the tree just grows here? Who told it how to grow? It’s rooted in natural development according to its nature. It doesn’t burden itself with a past or plan ahead for a future. It just thrives in the moment. Why can’t humans be like that?

A shiver slips down my spine. I’m suddenly overwhelmed by the daunting darkness. The shadows of the towering tree are imbued with imminence.

I’m accustomed to fearing; it has been my constant companion during this night’s walk, but now it intensifies and anxiety grips my heart. I don’t mind being filled with fear. When it happens, I know that it’s not really shutting me down; it’s waking up my senses. I’ve learned that it’s only when I’m scared that I truly feel alive. Anxiety is different, though. I don’t like feeling anxious. I don’t want to be numbed by fear. I don’t want to be numbed by anything.

My home and parents have made me numb to many emotions. I carry hate as a daily burden. The conflict between them just drags me under, deeper and deeper. It’s not them that I hate. I hate their behaviour towards each other because of each other, and what it’s doing to me.

As I grow older, I become more aware of the exhilaration that creeps into my veins at the prospect of leaving them. If it means dying in order to leave, then so be it. They make me yearn for moments where I can just let go of life. They’ve made me feel comfortable with the idea that there’s more to life after death. I’ve no idea where I’ll be once I’ve crossed over, but I’m happy to know that I won’t be here. The world is a wonderful place, but people, like my parents, have ruined it.

I pause.

I move ever so slightly.

My first footstep barely tramples the autumn leaves that lay motionless beneath the tree when my eyes impulsively dart back to the very spot where it lies. It’s almost as if I shouldn’t see it lying there, camouflaged and half-buried beneath the decaying pile. Yet, I do. I see it so clearly as if I’m meant to.

I’m not sure what it is that made me look down. Perhaps it was the slightest of a rustling noise that caught my attention.

I bend slowly to pick it up.

I move out from the shadows into the moonlight and notice the different shades of each little wooden bead. The beads are smooth and not one is like the other. Is it a beaded bangle? I slip the beads over my wrist. They are warm against my skin and I feel comfortable wearing them. Whilst admiring the unique beauty of each little bead, I start walking again. Curiosity creeps slowly out of the dark recesses of my mind and I wonder: to whom does the bangle belong?

Distance changes slowly when it’s done on foot and so do my thoughts.

It’s the last leg of my journey; there’s just one more turn in the road and then I’ll be home. The warmth of the wooden beads has seeped in and spread throughout my body. Strangely, I feel better. I also feel different about home. Somehow, I’ve found a smidgen of courage to go there.

The amber windows wink warmly, lovingly, but I know they aren’t – and, even knowing this, it’s strange that I should think of them in this way. It’s strange that I should think of the house as a place where love can thrive.

It’s never been hospitable.

It’s never been… a home.

My faith should carry me through

Even before I awaken every morning, my mind is aware of the pain and heaviness with which I'm burdened.

Still, I rise.

I get out of bed carefully, make sure I can sense that I’m standing, and then shuffle off slowly to the bathroom, using the walls and furniture as support. Never once do I think of staying in bed. My heart is always at school, with the children and the work that I have prepared so carefully for each day.

By the time I have dressed, eaten breakfast, and gathered my things for school, the adrenaline has me in the car. Nick drives me to school every day because I’m not allowed to drive anymore.

When I get out of the car and walk into the schoolyard, I pretend to be okay – in case someone is watching. Then I climb the stairs and walk into the staff room, ready for the staff meeting, twenty minutes before it’s due to start. I greet Rienie (she’s always there first) and sit down with a sigh. I watch my colleagues walk into the staff room. I especially look at their feet.

I never sit down to teach and my timetable is quite full. So, standing for eight teaching periods is the order of most days. When I hear the last bell, I always sigh with relief. Then I try to walk to the front gate and get into the car without attracting too much attention. I climb in and Nick’s empathy is evident.

Most of my afternoons, I sit. Then, I try my best to help with dinner. Most of every evening, I sit.

After a relaxing bath before bedtime, Nick starts to massage my calves and feet. He knows exactly what to do to get rid of the heaviness and it helps to ease the pain. It’s the only way I’m able to sleep.

I fall asleep almost immediately. Sometimes I sleep for an hour. Sometimes I sleep for two hours.

I wake up as soon as the heaviness and pain return. It’s very hard to fall asleep again, but eventually, after hours of lying in bed, I do.

Wednesdays become slow days. Thursdays are an effort. Fridays are my special days in hell.

The doctors have said that I can’t continue teaching. I can’t imagine sitting at home wallowing in self-pity all day.

My faith should carry me through, but my mind makes me stumble. The insecurity of not knowing what will happen next makes me suffer another day on my feet.

…

One day, I will have no pain. I will walk, dance, run, climb, jump and skip without effort. Until then, I can only pray for the strength to endure.

Myers' Cocktail

My GP told me about the Myers’ Cocktail in November and I decided to try it on the 22nd of November, to see if it would help for the pain in my feet and legs (for Peripheral Neuropathy). 

What exactly is a Myers’ Cocktail?

“The Myers’ Cocktail works by increasing the blood concentration of several essential vitamins and minerals beyond that which can be achieved when supplementing orally. For example, Vitamin C given intravenously has been found to reach blood concentrations more than 50 times greater than what can be achieved when given orally.

The idea is that many illnesses and conditions are associated with digestive disturbances such as bloating, indigestion and food sensitivities and that people with such conditions may not absorb many of the nutrients needed to return them to good health. Also, many diseases and inflammation cause the body to use nutrients at a faster rate, or to require higher amounts for proper healing. When nutrients are given intravenously, the digestion is bypassed. ADDITIONALLY the levels in the bloodstream are temporarily increased so that the nutrients are “coaxed” into the cells, and frequently into the mitochondria where they are active. This temporary boost frequently “kick-starts” the cells, so that energy is produced more efficiently in them.

Some patients feel an energy boost lasting days or weeks. In the case of fibromyalgia, decreased pain can be observed. In other chronic conditions such as rheumatoid arthritis and ulcerative colitis, because the “leaky” nature of the gut, the infusion helps get necessary nutrients into the cells. Chronic asthma and other lung disease, congestive heart failure, and chronic allergic problems may respond with more energy and less symptoms. Patients who get sick often with infections may find an improved immune response, with less susceptibility to viral illnesses. 

A small catheter is inserted into a vein, and the infusion is given very slowly over 20-30 minutes. Side effects are remarkably rare and almost always are limited to local irritation of the vein. The most common sensations are heat and flushing (a magnesium effect), and the taste of vitamins soon after the infusion begins. The cocktail is usually given 1-2 times per week, and beneficial effects are usually felt by the fourth visit. Many patients with chronic conditions choose to continue the infusions every 1-4 weeks or when they feel their energy slipping.”

Source: https://theremedyroom.com/2014/01/what-is-a-meyers-cocktail/

How did I respond to the “cocktail”?

After receiving it, I was in bed for three days. I had a severe migraine and was nauseous most of the time. It did not ease the pain at all.

Will I go again?

No!

When your feet fail you...

In June 2018, I started battling with painful feet. I had the exact pain in both feet: my heels, ankles, the arches of my feet, my forefeet, upper feet, shins, and calves. Of course, being who I am – a strong person/fool – I ignored the problem. The condition in both feet worsened and by December, I was seriously suffering. 

To make a very long story short (December 2018 - May 2019), I visited a physiotherapist, podiatrist, dietician, physician, orthopedic surgeon, and neurologist (in that order). Accordingly, I have been diagnosed with spondylolisthesis (lower vertebrae has slipped forward onto the bone directly beneath it) and peripheral neuropathy (damaged peripheral nerves). Peripheral neuropathy is linked to diabetes. I am not diabetic.

What are my symptoms?

Heel and Achilles tendon: 

Pain on the bottom of the heel, which is present as dull, sharp, or a burning ache. 

Stabbing/shooting and throbbing pain. 

Tightness in the Achilles tendon. 

Pins and needles. 

Feels heavy. 

More pain and difficulty walking after sitting still for more than five minutes. 

Ankle: 

Painful. 

Arch: 

Pain on the inside of the foot just above the arch. 

Painful foot arch. 

Tingling, prickling sensations. 

Forefoot: 

Toes are numb and painful. 

Tingling, prickling sensations – pins and needles. 

Toes can no longer stretch out straight. 

Sharp, aching, or radiating pain in the ball of the foot. 

Bending foot upwards: painful toes. 

Bending foot downwards: painful upper foot. 

Feels heavy. 

Upper foot: 

Tingling, prickling sensations – pins and needles. 

Throbbing pain. 

Shins splints: 

Throbbing, aching pain, or soreness in the front or inside of the lower leg between the ankle and knee.
Tingling, prickling sensations – pins and needles. 

Pain lasts all day. 

Worst at night when in bed. 

Calves: 

Calf contracts. 

Dull aching pain between the ankle and knee. 

Pain lasts all day. 

Feels heavy. 

Worst at night when in bed. 

This condition has affected my work and lifestyle. I can no longer drive, walk very far, sit or stand for too long or get a good night's sleep. I have been contemplating early retirement, but fear falling into a depression if I have nothing to do all day other than just focus on the pain.

The physician, orthopedic surgeon, and neurologist have concluded that there is no cure. I need to rely on medication to control the pain, which I am not doing because I don't like pills! According to the dietician, I need to adjust my diet and avoid certain foods. 

The only constant in my life (bar the pain) is my infallible belief that there is someone out there who can help me and cure my problem. Yes, I am in denial. I don't want to believe that I have peripheral neuropathy. It must be something else, something that can be cured. 

Living with chronic pain is a unique challenge. It's an invisible disability. Every day, I walk through the pain and pretend to be normal. No one understands what I suffer. 

Pain treatment is ideal but temporary. In my case, since June 2018, I have had no relief. Everything that has been attempted has not worked to relieve me of the pain.

Perhaps someone who has suffered the same will read this and let me know how to go forward. I can't imagine another year, month, day, minute, footstep living like this.

Is this the way forward?

I heard more recently: If you’re working harder than your students, you’re doing something wrong. For a hard-working Grade 12 teacher (next-level teaching), these words pierced my heart. After reflecting on the words, I realized that they made no sense.

I don’t work hard for my students. I work hard because that’s who I am. My work defines my character. When I’m given a task, I do it to the best of my ability – not to prove anything, but because I was given a task. When given a task, I accept responsibility for the outcome.

The students don’t motivate me. The principal doesn’t motivate me. My colleagues don’t motivate me. The work doesn’t motivate me. I motivate myself. I do what I do because I want to. If I don’t want to do a task because I have a valid reason not to do it, I speak up. If I’m given no choice, I do the task with the same motivation as any other desirable task that I’ve done before.

If you’ve never heard about self-efficacy or wondered what it means, then read on. Self-efficacy is your belief in your capabilities. If you have low self-efficacy, it simply means you don’t believe you are capable of doing something. If you have high self-efficacy, you have a strong belief in your capabilities. In both cases (low and high), motivation is the vehicle that propels you forward.

From a hardworking teacher’s perspective:

A hardworking teacher shouldn’t feel demotivated because he/she is working hard and the students aren’t. A student’s efforts and results shouldn’t define a hardworking teacher. 

It’s obvious that a hardworking teacher’s results will be better than those of a near-to-passive teacher, but, in my experience, no matter how hard I work, I’m always left disappointed with the outcome of my efforts. Why? 

Children aren’t motivated to learn. From a very young age, they’re motivated to be competitive. I can certainly understand why parents who were high achievers at school expect their children to excel, but I can’t wrap my head around non-achieving parents who demand so much from their children – competitively speaking.

I also heard more recently: Too much time is wasted on those who do not want to learn. My response is: Why don’t they want to learn?

It’s easy to shift the focus of attention to those who are doing well academically. It’s easier to work with students who are self-motivated. In the classroom, teachers provide ample feedback to diligent students whose work is exemplary and who show remarkable improvement in their skills, and they encourage them to continue striving for mastery; they structure tasks and provide material that will challenge these students to work even harder. 

What about the masses of students who are not self-motivated and struggle academically? Do we just leave them to swim against the rapids of information overload – content-heavy, homework burdened, and test-driven terms? They’re there, in the classroom, available to be educated, but for approximately ten weeks per term, they're in the torrent barely surfacing. When we are told to focus on the academic achievers and to leave those who do not want to work to either sink or miraculously survive, we cannot really consider this to be effective teaching and learning. 

Is this the way forward?

If the main purpose at school is to gain as many distinctions as possible and to ensure that no one fails Grade 12 because the province, district, circuit, school, and teachers cannot afford this type of embarrassment, then obviously the focus needs to be on the cream of the crop. As if this isn't ambiguous enough, extrinsic motivation is thrown into the arena for competitive value and the best Grade 12 teacher and student in a specific learning area in a circuit/district/province are awarded an incentive. In all the years of teaching Grade 12, I only received one certificate to congratulate me for my “outstanding results”. This certificate is supposed to make me feel proud of my "hard work". This is how we measure success.  

For three years, I worked zealously to help a group of learners from Grade 10 to Grade 12 to achieve their best and even those who were weak were given attention. My focus was definitely not on the top performers. Did the incentive make me keen to work even harder? I never stopped working hard, so how could I start working harder for the next group of students. I was doing what I do to the best of my ability because that’s who I am. The fact that I don't get recognition for my hard work every year doesn't make or break me. 

I’m back in Grade 10, picking up where I started three years ago, working hard for the results at the end of 2021. It's my third cycle of doing this. My first group was from 2013 to 2015; my second group was from 2016 to 2018. It doesn't get easier. 

Those who sink won’t be there. Suffice to say, I won’t be leaving any soldiers behind. Any one of these students who fail Grade 10 or 11 will be because of another subject or two. I’ve never had a fail (touch wood) and I work hard to make every learner understand our purpose. My mantra remains: Do good! Do good! Do good! 

Reality check: Even under the best circumstances, being purpose-driven is not easy when working in a system that doesn’t work for you. I don't have to be in the classroom, but I want to be there. I want to teach. The students don't want to be in the classroom, but they have to be there. 

To answer the question, ‘Is this the way forward?’, I say no! After all is said and done, and after every incentive has been handed out, the country is not better off. The percentage of “capable” students that matriculate is few. The masses in which we show little interest are “incapable” of contributing effectively to society. Since education remains the backbone of society, why are we struggling? Why aren’t we working to educate our next generation more effectively?

Why are high school students so miserable about being educated? 

• Choice: Teenagers have no say in what and how they learn.

If we give teenagers the freedom to choose what they learn and how they learn, will they be motivated to learn? At school, students have little or no say in what and how they learn. Obviously, there are schools that are different and offer choices, but have you seen the school fees?

In the average school, teachers find that they have to exert themselves to motivate the students to do what they don’t want to do in an environment where they don’t want to be. Teachers compliment, encourage and hand out incentives to a small percentage of students who are motivated to learn. The rest of the students are forced to be at school and they are punished when they resist or rebel against the system. They are imprisoned for twelve years and spend too much time feeling worthless and unhappy. After matric, we send them off into the world confused, scared, and frustrated. The school loses a negative mindset, and society gains it.

Our mistake: We never taught our children from a young age to want to learn. We can’t force-feed a child and believe he/she will be happy, can we?

• Effort: Teenagers need to expend effort to learn.

Learning is not easy. How many teenagers do you know who are motivated to expend cognitive effort to succeed academically? How many teenagers are motivated to expend more mental effort in the classroom and employ strategies that they believe will help them to learn?

Let me quickly define what learning in the classroom means. Learning means that the student is capable of:

• setting goals;  
• planning, organizing, and rehearsing information;
• monitoring his/her level of understanding; and
• relating new knowledge to what he/she already knows.

A capable student will feel that his/her efforts are useful in a learning situation. Skill will improve and as skill improves, effort expended to perform better will decrease. There won’t be the need to study as hard or lose valuable time attending extra classes. The reality is that only a few are “capable of learning” in the classroom.

Our mistake: We never taught our children that learning requires effort. Since many parents and teachers deem it necessary and easier to jump in to help a child go through life as effortlessly as possible, it’s no wonder that high school teachers are expected to be entertainers in a classroom filled with bored students who lack goals and skills. “Ugh, just do it for us/give it us/ leave it for tomorrow and let us go home!”

• Grit: Teenagers need the grit to learn.

Grit means to persevere and to be resilient. The time spent on a task or problem proves whether a teen is motivated to learn. A motivated student will always persist. Very few teachers and students enjoy facing problems, obstacles, or challenges. While many teachers persist, the majority of students give in too easily. The minute the work becomes difficult, the courage to persist fails them. 

Everything in life takes time to develop. Learning is a lifelong process. Success doesn’t occur magically and failure isn’t a sin. In fact, through our own experiences in life, we discover that failure is a learning opportunity. In every situation, in every experience, we always learn something – even through making the wrong choices or failing to achieve something, we learn. Persistence is limited because of the lack of skills. 

Our mistake: We never taught our children to focus on and take responsibility for their problems or setbacks. We never taught them to expend effort and persist to succeed. Instead, we teach our children to sit back and wait for someone else to step in and do what they can’t do for themselves.

Every child has a natural potential for learning, curiosity about life and the world they live in, and an eagerness to learn. If we can tap their intrinsic motivation, instead of dampening it, and teach them from a very young age what the value of learning is, we will have students who accept responsibility for their own learning and provide society with a more knowledgeable and better-skilled citizen.

My last motivational speech for Grade 12, 2018

God has equipped you with everything that you need to fulfil your life purpose. Whatever you’re looking for out there is already what you have. It’s within you.

Your power is within you.

Your continuous search for whatever it is that you think you need is making you run.  If you continue to look out there for the things you already have within you, you will be running for the rest of your life. Running 24/7 is exhausting. One day, when you look back at everything you have worked so hard to accomplish, you will see that it was all so meaningless; you were chasing the wind and there was nothing really worthwhile anywhere (Ecclesiastes 2:11).

So many times you’ve wanted freedom; you’ve wanted love; you’ve wanted happiness; you've wanted more time; and so you’ve been running.

Freedom:

Do you really want to be free? You can be free. All you have to do is control your life, which is not all that simple; but, if you commit to it and use the power within you, you can control your life. 

To be free, you need to build a wall around yourself and protect yourself from every influence that comes your way. To be free, you need to value your opinion only. To be free, you need to make yourself the highest authority in your life, where you are always right and everyone else is always wrong – this includes having authority above God. If you can do this, you will be free, but if you can’t … then you will spend the rest of your life serving. This isn’t such a bad thing. More blessings come from giving than from receiving (Acts 20:35).

Choose today what it is that you want. Do you want to be free or do you want to serve? If you choose to serve, you choose to do good; you choose to do good now; and you choose to do good to the people who are with you now. You give back to society. You give goodness to society. That is all.

Love:

You can’t find love out there. You are love. If you acknowledge love and learn to love who you are, you will radiate love from within. You can’t look for something out there if it’s within you. When you walk up to a mirror and look at yourself, accept yourself, and love who you are, you will be able to love the people around you. You can’t love another person if you don’t love yourself. Charity begins at home. 

Happiness:
There are two things that every person wants in life: happiness and time. These are two things that you can control. 

• Happiness: Control starts in your heart, with your emotions. Your emotions create your thoughts. Since happiness is an emotion, you can control it. To do this, you need to live in a state of gratitude. You need to live in a state of not always wanting more because the more you have, the more you want. With excess there’s responsibility. With responsibility there’s fear. With fear, there’s always anxiety and stress. You will never have a minute of peace. Whatever God has given you is enough for you. You don’t need more and you certainly don’t need less. You can’t live your life looking at what others have. Look inside you and learn to make peace with what you have because IT IS ENOUGH. It is enough for you. Not everyone is meant to climb Mount Everest. Not everyone is meant to govern a country. Not everyone is meant to own a yacht. Imagine if everyone did … if we were all the same ...
• Time: You hear people saying that they’re busy, but are they? You hear people saying that they don’t have enough time, but don’t they? Everyone has the same amount of time every day. There is no such thing as being “busy”. Most people use this word to avoid someone or something (like responsibility) and to procrastinate. You can't always control time, but that doesn't mean you're powerless. A person who learns to plan ahead is a person who knows how to control his time. Unless it’s an emergency, nothing should happen during your day other than what you have planned. Anything outside of your plans can be organised into another day’s schedule.
  
  

Stop living in expectancy. Stop waiting for people to contact you. Stop waiting for people to thank you. Stop waiting for people to respect you, love you, help you, praise you … serve you. Stop waiting for your “ship to come in”. Focus on the here and now: Do good. Do good now. Do good to the people who are with you now. Plan your time: there’s a time for everything, a time to work, and a time to rest. When it’s your time to work, work hard. Work well. Work with joy in your heart. If there’s no joy, you’re doing the wrong type of work. It should never be about the money, but about what you’re able to do; what you’re able to create; and what you’re able to put out there back into the world not only for yourself but also for others. It should be about the legacy you leave.

When things go wrong, make every challenge that causes you pain a learning experience. Life is what it is: an educational institution where you’re always learning, growing, and changing. Where there’s learning, growth, and change, there’s hope.

Walk in faith. The amount of energy that you put out into this world will eventually return to you, but don’t wait for it. You only have this one opportunity to live your life to the full. Make the most of it.

It's my pity-party, so I'll cry if I want to

I'm not going to reflect on anything that I've said in the past. Whatever I've said, I said it because I experienced it. 

Today, I'm just going to say what's on my mind because it's what I'm experiencing NOW. Physical pain is a terrible thing. It's a terrible, terrible thing. When it nears 10 on the pain scale (the worst pain possible), the brain will refuse to cope with it; there are no words to describe it. No one can feel it for you. No one can imagine or understand what you're going through.

On Tuesday, I woke up perfectly fine. Around nine the pain I usually have 24/7 started to intensify. I kept telling myself that it's okay; I can deal with it. I think I almost started crying on three different occasions during class, each time with another group of matriculants in front of me. With one group, I actually said it out loud, "I can't do this!" I immediately corrected the negativity, drank some water, and said, "No, I CAN do this." School closes at 13:30. I left at 13:00. Jana, my daughter, came to fetch me and I couldn't even get into the car. I didn't sleep much that night.

Yesterday, late afternoon, I went to the doctor. The previous day's strain of trying to teach and cope with intense pain left me with an upper back muscle spasm. The injection and pills have managed to leave me feeling more comfortable today. I have no muscle spasms, but the intense pain lingers.

The doctors I'm seeing here in town have no idea what's wrong with me. Stress seems to be the "go-to" word for most of them. One doctor wants me in hospital for tests. Uhm ... no! Been there! Done all that! Another doctor wants me to see a specialist! How many more should I see? It's been two long years. I went for many tests last year from CT scans to the worst imaginable, the colonoscopy. Even my gynecologist is satisfied with my health.  

Today, my husband convinced me to go and see another specialist. So, I'll see what I can do in the next few weeks. In the meantime, I'm trying to convince my brain to continue living with the pain for just a little while longer... even though it has intensified.

Because I'm a teacher, let me share some information with you. If you already know it, good for you. If you don't, well then, here's the opportunity to learn:

Psychogenic Pain: 

This is also called psychalgia or somatoform pain. It's physical pain that is caused, increased, or prolonged by mental, emotional, or behavioural factors. Headache, back pain, or stomach pain are some of the most common types of psychogenic pain.

Phantom Pain:

This is also known as neuropathic pain. When a limb or organ has been lost, you will experience a sensation of pain from a limb or organ that has been lost. Amputees and quadriplegics experience phantom limb pain.

Acute Pain:

This type of pain comes on quickly and can be severe. It doesn't last very long. Acute pain serves as a warning of disease or a threat to the body.

Chronic Pain: 

This type of pain demands attention. It persists for a long, long time, much longer than is normal after the temporal course of the natural healing process. When you suffer high-intensity chronic pain, it impairs your ability to focus and to perform attention-demanding tasks. With chronic pain, no one knows what you’re experiencing or how bad it really is. There are no tests that reveal how much you’re suffering. There are also no outward signs to show how much pain you have. 

I'm suffering from chronic pain. With this hindrance to living a quality life, I do what I have to do (and want to do) as a daughter, wife, mother, friend, colleague, and teacher every day, and I honestly try to live my life “normally”. Not many people know I suffer pain. Even though I've often admired my strength to endure and thought of myself as a role model for others who suffer pain, I know that it's wrong to live like this. Being stubborn to find help doesn't make me the perfect martyr of pain. While pain is still a basic part of my life, suffering remains the key; but, I don't have to live like this for the rest of my life. 

If perhaps you think that I express my pain issues a lot to seek attention, you’re quite right! Let me assure you that I am seeking attention. I'm also emptying my heart this way. I see absolutely nothing wrong with having a pity party and crying if I want to ... (winky face).