Not knowing

My daughter became ill at the start of the year. She’s 25 (turning 26 on the 28th of May). Jana is one of the most radiant, positive people I know. She takes stress and anxiety in her stride.

In February, she had a heart rate around 140 beats per minute even when she was at rest. She also suffered from fatigue, headaches, dizzy spells, weak muscles, pinching pains in various places from her head down to her feet, diarrhea, high blood pressure, back ache, and I can’t remember what else. She’d wake up in the middle of the night with her pulse beating wildly. It was really a hectic time in our life.

We went to see the cardiologist and Jana was hospitalized. She was diagnosed with tachycardia (a heart condition where the heart is more than 100 beats per minute when at rest). She was also anemic and her iron levels were low. The medication wasn’t really making her feel better.

Of course, for me, it wasn’t about the diagnosis. It was about finding out what was triggering the symptoms. We continued doing so many tests (mostly blood tests) to find out what was wrong with her. 

Nothing can be more stressful than not knowing. Today, four months later, we went to see a specialist and he decided to do a CT (CAT) scan. Of all the tests that have been done in the past three months, not one was done to test her kidneys. The results that came back today have found kidney stones in both kidneys. Of course, I don’t know if taking iron pills whilst having kidney stones is a good thing. We’ll have to find out.

Now, at least, we can make an appointment to see a urologist and hopefully get to the bottom of the problem. I can only hope that this is the reason for all her problems and that she’ll feel better really soon.

I’m not very clever when it comes to anatomy, but my mind runs in many directions and I can’t link kidney stones, heart palpitations, and iron deficiency anemia. So I’m hesitant but hopeful.

Pain is soul destroying

11 January 2016: My gallbladder was removed. I had eight gallstones, each the same size (the size of a dice).

September 2015: The pain started. I was a matric teacher and was marking trial papers. By November, my condition seemingly had worsened. I had applied earlier in the year to mark matric papers at the end of 2015, but because of the pain, I couldn’t go. I was diagnosed early in December with having gallbladder stones. December (the holiday month), I was crippled with pain. Doctors were on leave and the first date I could see a doctor was on 8 January 2016.

April 2016: I returned to the doctor. Something wasn’t right. I still had severe pain. A series of tests followed. The process involved a sonar and CT scan, a colonoscopy screening exam, and many blood tests. I even went to my gynecologist. 

2018: An initial diagnosis was made at the start of the year. Because the pain was everywhere, it was thought to be fibromyalgia. I kept saying: They simply don’t know, do they? They seem to be guessing.

To this day, I still have pain. The intensity can wax and wane throughout the day. Some days are so amazing that I hardly notice the pain. On other days, I can barely breathe. It’s not a quality life. I have always suffered illness at the hands of Stress, but I don’t think the problem I’m experiencing now is related to stress. I can say this because it’s not the first time that I’ve had to deal with physical pain. I have even suffered severe migraines in my life.

I've noticed that I can teach until approximately 11 o’clock in the morning. After that, the discomfort affects my concentration. I can’t sit. I can’t stand. I can only focus on breathing. What truly amazes me is that on any given day, whether the pain is intense or less noticeable, I can still climb the stairs, carrying a pile of paper or just my pencil bag, and still stand in front of a class motivated to teach. I spend many hours on my feet teaching passionately regardless of the circumstances. The most important instrument in any classroom is a motivated teacher. When I’m busy with what I enjoy doing, I can get through it. I think that deserves some kind of medal! 

Pain pills: I don’t go there. Most of them don't work anyway; they only dull the pain or knock me out (and what good am I when I'm unconscious?). The thing is, I want to monitor the pain. I feel that I need to be on top of this game. When I experience pain, I become aware of my strength and that's when I learn best how to carry the pain. Everyone can relate to the fact that pain insists upon attention. It is real. Being my reality, I need to know what is causing it. So, there’s really no point in trying to escape it. I can numb it, but that won’t cure it. Instead of running to pills, the best thing for me to do is to find a position in which I can comfortably lie down and try to sleep. Sleep never comes, but the pain eases enough for me to get up and carry on.

By now, my brain is aware that I have to live with this pain. Yesterday was bad. Today is worse. Why? I had to stay behind at school on Friday for detention duty. I only got home at five o’clock. As always, when I am suffering (in silence), the angels come and bless me. On Friday, I was blessed with a group of 40 beautifully well-behaved children and a loving, considerate friend and colleague, Joekie Lessing. What a breeze it was. Detention was nothing to fret about.

I can only hope that tomorrow will be a good day. The new week begins and I have to teach the extremely difficult poem: “To learn how to speak” by Jeremy Cronin.

I want to go and see a general internist as soon as I can. The search for the cause of all this pain must continue.

“Few things a doctor does are more important than relieving pain… pain is soul-destroying. No patient should have to endure intense pain unnecessarily. The quality of mercy is essential to the practice of medicine; here, of all places, it should not be strained.” ~ Marcia Angell

Fifty shades of me

Colour definitely influences people. I have an affinity for black. Yes, I’m not ashamed to say that I wear black a lot. I also like grey and brown… and navy. Wearing black has brought judgment, but in no way was I ever crippled by it.

I was 20 and a student teaching in Heidelberg. The teacher in the classroom where I was assigned to work was a new widow. At the end of the first week, she was up in arms. I was, apparently, too young to wear black and grey and brown and navy. Well, that was the content of my cupboard and my budget was non-existent. I had no other colours to wear and she had to deal with it for two weeks.

Teaching in black has educated me in many ways. Some of my colleagues, parents and learners played the roles of style coach and psychiatrist. What I learned from them back then was the following: I was too young to wear black; I was considered rebellious or evil; I was a member of the Goth subculture; and I was suffering from depression. I was even told to see a psychologist. While each encounter offered me the gift of greater self-awareness, I remained quite comfortable wearing black.

Just to be clear, at the age of 52, I seriously couldn’t care less what people think about the clothes I choose to wear. Actually, I’ve never worried about it. I hate shopping. I really do. I hate spending money just as much as I hate shopping. When I have to buy clothes, it’s a challenge that I do not like. Because I have a myriad of decisions to make on a daily basis, I see no point in deliberating over the colour of my clothes. I enter the shop, find whatever I can that’s black and comfortable, and I’m done. It’s probably ten minutes of my life that I’ll always regret wasting.

Make-up, perfume, fashionable outfits, shoes and handbags to match the dress, and jewellery have never impressed me at all. I don’t even have a handbag with all the goodies that most women carry around with them. I just up and go! It’s quite easy for me to be able to move around without the baggage. It’s liberating. Now, before you start psycho-analyzing me about that let me tell you about my hair. That’s the whole purpose of this blog entry.

For the past three or four months, I’ve been attempting to grow out the grey. It just felt like the natural thing to do. I was tired of dyeing away the grey. Now, as I’ve mentioned, colour definitely influences people. The criticism I got for wearing black isn’t anything near to the maddening criticism I’ve been getting for walking around semi-grey. Suddenly, I’m too young to be grey. I’m supposed to be colourful so that the learners will enjoy my lessons more. I’m ‘letting myself go’ (… to which I must add, when have I ever not let myself go? … because isn’t it me who spends so much time making other people happy that I’ve become invisible to myself – to such an extent that the very people who judge me are now telling me to stop helping others and start focusing on self-care and self-love and self-enrichment?).

I think the fuss is really all about how I’m doing it. You see, I didn’t go to a hairdresser to have my hair coloured grey – the fashion trend of late. I chose to do it naturally. I honestly think that dyeing my hair doesn’t define me. People fear aging. I don’t. I’m happy to be 52. I’m happy to be grey. So, excuse me if I say, it’s my hair, my choice, and my life. If I want to walk around with grey hair, let it be. No one in Africa has died because of it.

When it comes to criticism, being as sensitive as I am, I’ve learned to be resilient. I know that another person’s perspective is his/her idea of reality, and reality is merely a persistent illusion. Imperfect perspectives about my hair’s colour don’t have to affect me at all. Why? Well, as humans, we are conditioned to start dyeing our hair in our thirties to disguise the natural process of aging. From this disguise, we shape our identity. Subconsciously, we live and express this identity and form our own perceptions of what reality should be; hence, we feel younger. If other people deem it necessary to feel younger, so be it. That’s not my reality.

I can live with fifty shades of black (clothes) and grey (hair). I’m okay! This simply means it’s not me who needs psychotherapy, is it? Well, not about black and grey… yet!

Pressing toward the goal

Few of us ever live in the present. We are forever anticipating what is to come or remembering what has gone.

Louis L’Amour

You will make sense of your life when you start living each day in the present. Many people regret the present moment and yearn for the past or future. They either live in the past, wishing they could turn back the hands of time, or they spend their time wishing for a better life in the future.

Paulo Coelho describes the problem beautifully: “We have enormous difficulty in focusing on the present; we're always thinking about what we did, about how we could have done it better, about the consequences of our actions, and about why we didn't act as we should have. Or else, we think about the future, about what we're going to do tomorrow, what precautions we should take, what dangers await us around the next corner, how to avoid what we don't want and how to get what we have always dreamed of.”

Are you living in the past or are you waiting in great anticipation for your future? What about now? Isn’t the present moment important, too? According to Mahatma Gandhi, “The future depends on what you do today.” Yes! Every thought, decision, and action today impact your present and your future. Are you focused on the here and now?

You alone have the power to make good or bad decisions.

Your decisions in life are influenced by the present moment and the people who are with you at the time. You have to decide who or what it is that is guiding you to make your decisions because the decisions that you make affect your plans and your mood. They determine whether you will be happy or disappointed. If you make bad decisions, you will experience negative outcomes, but good decisions will lead to a successful future. 

How do you make decisions? Do you make decisions independently or do you allow others to help you? Do you make decisions that are best for you or do you make decisions that are best for others? Do you fear that every decision you make may be a wrong decision? Do you prefer not to make decisions at all and allow them to be made for you?

Every moment of your life defines you.

You are who you are in each moment. The decisions that you make may stretch across many moments, but the minute you make the decision you create a new direction. Even when the decision turns out to have been a mistake, and the outcome is negative, it doesn’t have to stay that way. You may have taken a wrong direction, but it’s a learning process. You can turn it around.

At some point in the future, you may discover that a choice you had made in the past is not what you planned or wanted. You needn’t regret it, though. Don’t focus on the choice as a mistake and don’t dwell on the time that’s been lost. Focus on the process of learning that came from the experience. You have grown because of it. If you never make mistakes, how will you ever learn or change?

Choices always lead to new opportunities.

Your decisions can be average and ordinary or they can be life-changing. Joel Osteen said, “If you think you’re average, then you’ll be average. If you think you’re ordinary, then you’ll live ordinary. The truth is there is nothing ordinary about you. You have something to offer that nobody else can offer.” Do you think that you’re just an average person? Genesis 1:26 (ESV) reads: “Then God said, ‘Let us make man in our image, after our likeness”. Yes! You have been made according to God’s likeness. Do you still think you’re average?

The way you think defines you. You can’t have a successful future if you think you’re average. You can’t have a successful future if you don’t know why you’re here. You can’t have a successful future if you don’t plan ahead. If you want to have freedom and money one day, so that you can lead a successful life, you’ll also need to know what success means.

The Power is Yours

I went to the post office today!

I went to the post office today – twice. The first time I entered the almost empty room, it was hot and there were six people in the line, standing like fish on dry ground, gasping for air. I joined the queue and told myself that being patient would be worth it in the end. I was there to collect a parcel and was excited about it.

There were two people behind the counter, behind the glass pane, serving the public. I waited ten minutes and was intrigued. The scene before me looked frozen. I wasn’t sure if the people on either side of the counter had moved at all in the ten minutes that I had been standing in the queue. Then, the woman in front of me turned and said, “I’m coming back.” It was as if I were responding to an invitation. I turned and followed her out the door. Yes, she wanted me to know that she would be resuming her space in the queue upon her return. Sadly, I wasn’t prepared to wait for her. The heat was unbearable and, today, I wasn’t prepared to melt in a vacuum of inactivity.

How can people be so callous, I wondered? I was reflecting on those behind the counter who work at the post office. The general public was left to fend for themselves. There were no chairs and water, the heat was stifling, and three of the six people in the queue were old.

I went home and an hour later returned to the post office. As I entered, I was relieved to see that there were only two people in the queue. I recognized them immediately. The last person in the queue was the woman who had excused herself an hour ago from the line. I rejoined the line and waited. I watched the people behind the counter, behind the glass pane, and thought about the heat. I imagined that I, too, would work as slow as a sloth if I were them.

Nearly half an hour later, it was my turn to walk to the counter. I greeted the man and handed him my collection slip. Everything before me happened as if in slow motion. Was he even breathing? When he finally turned to go and fetch the parcel, I became aware of the cool air that escaped through the hole in the glass pane. I put my hand through the hole and realized that the people behind the counter were working in air-conditioned circumstances. I was so surprised, but it made sense. They shouldn’t work faster. They should work at the slowest pace of all. After all, not one of them is there because they want to be there. They’re not there to serve customers. They’re serving a life sentence.

I spend so much time telling the students in my class to choose subjects and a career that they’re passionate about. The years they spend at school are nothing compared to the time they spend earning a living. Assuming the average age to attend school is 5 to 18, I’d say that’s a mere drop in the bucket of life. Working from 20 to 65 (the general age of retirement) is where our passion is required to perform. Sadly, there are too many opinionated parents who force their children in directions the children don’t want to follow. Blessed are those who have the opportunity to follow their dreams.

As for those who end up behind a counter, if you don’t like what you’re doing and you cannot serve others with passion, find yourself in a new direction. It’s never too late to start living.

Fight the good fight

In almost everything that touches our everyday life on earth, God is pleased when we’re pleased. He wills that we be as free as birds to soar and sing our Maker’s praise without anxiety. 

~ A.W. Tozer

There is a lesson in everything we experience.

You are alive today and searching for answers... . For every question, there is an answer. “A question is a powerful thing. It can open doors, challenge the status quo, and lead to new ideas and innovations. A question can change your world, if you ask the right one,” (Adapted from Old Mutual advertisement, S.A.). Don’t be afraid to ask questions or to challenge opportunities to find the answers.

You are given many opportunities and blessings every day. When you welcome all the opportunities and blessings that come your way, you will always make progression.

Moving forward is a way of life. It always leads to something new and something different.

You need to make sense of your life before you can enjoy new opportunities and blessings. You also need to discover just how amazing you really are. Your life is significant and you deserve to live your life in a wonderful and fulfilling way. 

Perhaps you are weighed down because of everything that has happened to you in your life. Perhaps people have burdened you with their problems and bad attitudes, and now you, too, feel battered. Bad situations, circumstances, and attitudes have troubled your days, and you are seeking relief. All you really want is to find independence and happiness. It’s possible.

There’s a story on the internet about the palm tree, written by Kerstin Anderas-Lundquist. She speaks of the palm tree as being flexible and having the capacity to bend almost double without breaking. Kerstin says, “During storms with hurricane-force winds, only the palm tree is able to withstand without breaking or being uprooted. Not only so, but when the ill winds have passed, the tree just returns to its original position totally unfazed. Large oak trees are pulled up by the roots. Other trees are snapped in two like toothpicks, but the palm tree still stands strong amid the destruction surrounding it. It is also believed that its root system is not weakened, but actually strengthened by these storms.”

Kerstin draws a comparison between you and the palm tree. She says, “When the unexpected storms of life roll in like a tsunami, and try to wash away your dreams and drown your hopes along with them; when hurricane-force winds of doubt and worry try to uproot your faith and topple your confidence, don’t give up and don’t give in. Weather the storm like the palm tree you are! You may be bent over by the force of the winds, but get up! You may be bent, but you’re not broken! Your roots are grounded in the Word of Almighty God, continually growing stronger as the storm rages on. Don’t lose your peace! Don’t lose your joy! Know that this too will pass and your life will continue to be long-lived, stately, upright, useful, and fruitful.”

Psalm 92:12 (ESV) reads: “The righteous flourish like the palm tree… ”. This is a good way to live your life. Be righteous. Do the right thing. Live a life of good morals and ethics, and you will be like the palm tree. You will flourish all the days of your life.

The Power is Yours

A week from hell

Many people will tell you that Mondays are terrible. They not only start the week but also the pace for the week. When everything goes wrong on a Monday, obviously the week will be labelled. Not? 

Well, I'm rather optimistic. I've never minded Mondays and I've never labelled a week negatively because of bad incidents that happen on a Monday. For me, Mondays have always been like a new page, a new start, and the beginning of new opportunities.

I'm a changed woman. Last week was a week from hell. Every day started with a crisis! Just when I thought it couldn't get any worse, Wednesday bloomed. Not only did the day start with a crisis, but it also gained momentum and by lunchtime, another crisis reared its ugly head.

Was I negative? From day one, I was devastated. I sank into the realms of despair and as each crisis hit me, I had to dig deeper to find more inner strength to drag myself through the week. 

By Friday, I was in the dregs of self-pity! Then it hit me! It was Friday. The end of the week had arrived. I was convinced that the bad luck would stop, but it didn't. I faced yet another crisis.

I survived the wretched week. How? Well, I once read about the twelve gifts of birth, the first being strength. Prayers and strength pulled me through. From experience, I've learned that when life gets harder, I get stronger. 

Challenges not only give strength, but they also allow opportunities for growth. The bigger the challenge, the bigger the opportunity for growth. 

It's the end of a busy term. I'm too tired to reflect on what I've learned from last week's challenges. All I know is that bad experiences can hit you like a tsunami. When they do, you need faith and patience to endure.