The Profound Loss of My Mother

Life has a way of unfolding in unexpected and unpredictable ways, throwing us into a whirlwind of emotions and challenges.

My beloved brother passed away in October 2022, and I haven't fully come to terms with the loss. And now, adding to the weight of this grief, I have recently lost my mother.

It all began in the latter months of 2022 when my mother, who was living with my sister, started showing signs of fatigue and disinterest in her daily activities. Her energy waned, and she increasingly spent her days sitting and doing nothing. She complained about pain in her hips, shoulders, and various parts of her body; it was especially bad in the mornings. She also battled to sleep through each night because of the pain.

Because I suffer from Peripheral Neuropathy and we've shared the same symptoms for years, I wondered if it was the cause of all her pain.

Her condition continued to worsen. Late January 2023, she experienced new symptoms. Her right eyelid began to droop and she soon lost a great percentage of vision in the eye. The left side of her body was weaker than the right side, and her pain became worse!

We took her to a doctor, keeping things like a stroke or Parkinson's in mind. We were desperately hoping for answers that would bring clarity and a path to healing. The doctor examined her and said it was the general aches and pains associated with old age and arthritis, and her eye problem was sinus-related. The medication didn't help and so we took her to another doctor for a second opinion. He made the same assessment and gave similar treatment.

Over the weeks of March, concern and unease settled within us as my sister and I watched her health decline. Simple tasks like walking became arduous for her. She walked with a walking frame from her room to the lounge and back again but spent most of her days in bed. She ate less and started losing a considerable amount of weight.

By mid-April, she was frail. We had a nurse come in twice a week to help us look after her. My mother lost control over her bladder and bowel, and her left forearm and hand would swell for a day or two, recover, and then swell again. In a matter of weeks, her ability to move had declined to the extent that she was confined to her bed. She started hallucinating, was constantly thirsty, and had difficulty swallowing.

Understanding the gravity of the situation, we contacted Dr. Appelgryn who made a late evening house call on 16 May. The next morning, as requested by the doctor, my sister and her husband took my mother to his emergency room for monitoring. My mother had an irregular heartbeat, low blood sugar, and high blood pressure. Dr. Appelgryn diagnosed her with what he believed was lung cancer that had metastasized to her brain. He also believed that there was a tumor behind her right eye.

He referred her to Somerset Hospital in Green Point, where she was admitted on 18 May. X-rays were taken the same day revealing a mass in her chest. She stayed in the hospital for further evaluation and on May 23, a CT scan was performed. We were then given the devastating news that she had stage 4 lung cancer that had metastasized to her liver and brain. Even though we had heard the initial diagnosis from Dr. Appelgryn, we were left in a state of shock when it was confirmed.

She was transferred to the Vredenburg Hospital for palliative care on Thursday, 25 May. We knew our time with her was painfully limited, but we didn't know that it would be so short. Despite her incredible bravery and determination to fight, her weakened body could not withstand the aggressive progression of the disease, and she passed away on 27 May.

As I reflect upon this heart-wrenching journey, it serves as a powerful reminder of the fleeting nature of time and the importance of looking after our health. My mother was one of the healthiest women I know. She never went to doctors for flu or any general ailments and never had any operations. She was confident in her health and never went for any check-ups.

While the pain of loss is profound and may endure, I find solace in the knowledge that she is finally free from the suffering that plagued her for so many months. I hold on to all our cherished memories to give me strength.

It was my mother who inspired me to be a go-getter. She also inspired me to start writing novels in 2003. Her unwavering love will continue to inspire me to embrace life fully.

If ...

If you lose your confidence when all about you look confident, and you blame your incompetence on them …  If you constantly worry that the things you make and the things you do aren’t good enough, and you compare yourself to others … If people seem to have it better, or bigger, or more complete than you, and you feel you don’t measure up to them … then you need to STOP and consider:

People exist.

People have the right to breathe, think, speak, work, take action, make choices, embrace imperfections, form judgments, question, provide answers, experience both success and failure, learn (or not learn) from mistakes, hold beliefs, harbour fears, face challenges, and truly LIVE a life that is based on their unique upbringing and experiences. Each person has the right to decide whether to pursue personal growth or remain as they are.

There will always be someone who attracts or repels your attention! You don't have to like everyone and not everyone is obliged to like you in return! Each person has the right to express their individuality. When you realise that you are you, and other people are not you, a light switches on in your mind. You will always understand that there isn't a fine line of difference between you and someone else, but a profound chasm! The distinction between people is vast and profound. The fact that people are unique should be admired and embraced, rather than disregarded or rejected.

The way forward is shaped by your perspective of the world, the people within it, and most importantly, your perception of yourself.

Work exists.

There will always be something to do! If you consciously choose to pursue your passions, your days will not feel like eternal hell! Through the meaningful work you do, you'll meet new people and experience new things. There will always be something to learn! You will learn valuable lessons from every person you meet and every experience you have, regardless of their nature, and these lessons will catalyze personal growth.

The way forward lies in your perception of work, people, and the learning process.

Through the eyes of negativity, everything is shrouded in gray. You tend to focus on the shadows instead of the light. You'll see your daily struggles and forget that these struggles are an integral part of life – only the dead have no problems.

Confidence is key!

Confidence will let you move more easily through each day. Confidence will let you believe in yourself; you will stop fearing the judgment and opinions of people. Confidence will alleviate needless worry and guide you towards better paths, and empower you to influence those around you to follow more constructive paths.

Confidence helps you to make better decisions. This is important because your current choices are influenced by ingrained habits. If you don't have a confident perspective of the world (your community) and all the people in it, you will always sink into the muck and mire of life. If you don't glean lessons from life with confidence so that you can grow and change, your habits will stay the same and you will continue to make the same choices and experience the same outcomes. 

The way forward is a winding path, that leads over hills and mountains, and through ditches and valleys. It's not an easy path, but it's a way forward. Never settle for a path that makes you walk in circles, devoid of progress.

If you can see yourself and your life through kaleidoscopic lenses, you have already achieved profound success.