To continue ... and to love and to serve

You are born into this life with everything you need to live your purpose: to love and to serve. Thus, you will always have what you need so that you can give what is needed. No matter where you go, you will always be where you are meant to be so that you can do what you are meant to do. When you aren’t there where you wish to be, it wasn’t meant for you to be there. Accept what you have and where you are.

Nothing happens without a reason. When you live in humble gratitude, you will understand that what needs to happen for you to live out your purpose will happen, regardless of your thoughts (plans) and actions. Only through your choices, will you drive away humility and gratitude and burden yourself with worldly desires. Yet, your purpose in life will remain the same: to love and to serve.

It is pride that makes you rise in arrogance to decide who is deserving to be loved and to be served. Every day, you weigh people and situations and put a percentage on how much of yourself to extend to them. Yet, it is not for you to judge who you are to love and who you are to serve. Your purpose is to love all and to serve everyone fully while expecting nothing in return.

You have your own unique path in life that has been laid out for you. Every situation where you are bound to interact with people is filled to the brim with opportunity. These people are on your path for a reason. Every opportunity with them is a learning experience. Situations and relationships are temporary, but the learning experiences are permanent and will provide you with bitter or sweet memories.

It’s so much easier to understand your purpose when you are old and you have the opportunity to reminisce. It is then that you will remember the people that you have loved unconditionally and the service that you were able to provide to them.

Life is a miracle. While you are fortunate enough to breathe, live in the moment. Think less of a new year and new resolutions so that each day will be the start for spreading enthusiasm, joy, and love in everything that you are and through everything that you do. Don’t think of new beginnings. Think of continuation. Live life to the fullest and continue to live your purpose: to love and to serve.

“Remember that there is only one important time and it is now. The present moment is the only time over which we have power. The most important person is always the person with whom you are, who is right before you, for who knows if you will have dealings with any other person in the future? The most important pursuit is making that person, the one standing at your side, happy, for that alone is the pursuit of life.” ~ Leo Tolstoy.

Grief reveals you!

In 1980, when I was 14, I left Rhodesia – my home. It was all I knew and I was consumed with loss. For twelve hours on the Greyhound, from Bulawayo to Pretoria, I had this rock nestled in my throat that just would not go away. The pain lingered because I refused to cry. I started writing to make the pain stop. There are many days when I feel that I’m still on that bus. Everything changed back then – within 12 hours. Nothing stayed the same. Yet, today, nothing has changed. Everything feels the same. 

When my father passed away in 1990, I was consumed with sadness. I knew he would die and I was prepared for the news. Acknowledging the inevitability of his death weeks before the actual day strengthened me until the day of his funeral. Again I faced loss. I poured out so much of my pain of his death at his funeral. My Head of Department, Susan van Rensburg, comforted me the day before the funeral and told me she would never forget the sound of the first shovel of sand that fell on her father’s coffin. I stood next to my father’s grave, broken, in anticipation, but I didn’t hear a thing. I walked for days wondering why I didn’t hear the first heap of sand fall onto his coffin. Then I remembered the huge flower arrangement that was placed on top of the coffin. Red and white flowers – I can’t remember the flowers only the colours. The loss and pain were etched in my heart for years and years and years. He was too young to die but too damaged to live. Knowing this didn’t seem to serve its purpose and there was no consolation for my heart. 

When Antjie van Jaarsveld, one of my friends from church, committed suicide in 1995, I was shocked to the core. I walked around for days wondering about nothing other than the futility of life. It was early in May on a Wednesday evening. She had opened the boot of her car and shoved a plastic shopping bag into my hand. It was heavy and I held it up against the light to see what was inside. I was shocked to discover that there was a gun inside the bag. I asked her what on earth she was doing carrying a gun around in a shopping bag. She mumbled something about shooting a snake on her mother’s farm. I was naïve. I believed her, even though I could see she wasn’t herself. Two days later, on Friday night, the 5th of May, she pulled the trigger. 

When Bennette Riekert died, I was consumed with sadness. He was one of the students that I had the privilege to teach from Grade 9 to 12, and one of the boys who had played rugby, since their primary school days, with my son. His death brought a new companion to my heart. Fear! I became anxious about my son’s life. To this day, whenever Colin leaves the house, I become anxious. And to this day, I am still sad because of the brevity of Bennette’s life. 

Many things throughout my life have affected me in great ways, and, like many others, these four experiences of loss still cling to my heart. 

Today I received the tragic news about Debi Staal who passed away. When I was 14 years old, almost 15, I started school at Springs Girls’ High at the start of the third term. I was in Debi's register class until the end of matric. I idolized her because she had a vibrant personality. She seemed to live life to its fullest – always joking and up to mischief. I was the shy “little” girl at the back of the class too scared to breathe or talk to any of the 17-year-olds. She stayed in my memory over the years and when I joined Facebook, she was the first person from Springs Girls High that I decided to find. I sent her a friend request and when she accepted, I nearly shot through the ceiling with excitement. I sent her a message in Messenger and when she told me she remembered me, I was elated. One Sunday evening she phoned me and we talked for quite some time. She made me feel so special that day because that is who Debi always was: a kind-hearted person who put others’ needs first. 

Today I feel empty. Again it’s all about loss and the brevity of life. It makes me realize, though, that I am blessed. I live with this chronic pain day in and day out and yes, I grumble. There are days I live with regret and days when I live with an ungrateful heart. This is who I am, a negative-minded woman; imperfect in every way. Yet, I’m blessed with a fighting spirit. I will never allow negativity to be victorious. I fight tenaciously and with an enduring will to conquer every minute spent in the dark. Every day that I am able to accomplish something regardless of the pain, I am a winner. 

I press onward! Simply, because I can!