Engulfed by sadness

Sometimes, suddenly, without reason, we find ourselves engulfed by sadness. 

We continue with our daily tasks, pretending to be okay, but the intensity of our feelings remains with us throughout the day. They are fragments of unfinished experiences. They return to remind us that we have suffered and that we have difficulty in letting go. Many will say, "Let go and there will be healing!" Yet, we hold on! We hold on because they are our experiences. We are even more possessive over those specific experiences that have caused us so much pain. 

Who can understand what we have been through? God knows!

Does this mean that we have no faith because we are sad? No. It only means that we are human.

While we hide our hurt and choke in secrecy on all the pain, we are indeed moving forward. (Where else can we go other than forward?) But we don't move forward in isolation. There is a myriad of angels and people who continually do things, often small and seemingly insignificant things, that carry us through the darker days. And so, there is always hope. There is always light. There is always some form of motivation to carry on ...

Remember: A wave of sadness is not the same as being depressed.

I own the moment!

“Do the one thing you think you cannot do. Fail at it. Try again. Do better the second time. The only people who never tumble are those who never mount the high wire. This is your moment. Own it.” ~Oprah Winfrey

Yes! I own the moment! 

This is how I feel now. The results are in and I have passed all my subjects of my Bachelor of Education Honours degree for Teaching and Learning. Believe me, this feeling is extremely good! 

Needless to say, this is not how I felt in October 2013 when I started this long journey to self-discovery. 

It was on this specific journey where I discovered how I felt about accumulating knowledge. I discovered that under pressure, I could stretch my levels of endurance to new boundaries. I also discovered that studying again for the first time in 26 years was a daunting task. Life around me continued normally and it was expected of me to be normal and stay the same.

Nothing stayed the same.

Relationships became tentered like milled cloth on a wooden frame. Time was personified in all my experiences, inflicting pressure for me to perform at my best as a wife, mother, daughter, teacher, friend, colleague ... Even my emotions were shape-shifting into different creatures inside me. I was constantly dueling for dominance trying to triumph over every single one of them: fear, anger, self-pity, jealousy, hatred, joy (the list goes on). Yes, even the positive emotions at times seemed to be my worst adversaries.

The most important thing that I learned on this journey is that I have changed. My perspectives have changed. I see life and teaching and education differently now.

Here, at last, I stand with the Bachelor of Education Honours degree for Teaching and Learning. It was a three-year course that I completed in two years, not by choice; I was never informed that I could complete it in three years. Nevertheless, it's done. 

I own the moment!

The saying that we reap what we sow is true. Hard work and commitment do pay off. But, to be fair, in the future, if I have to choose between writing a novel and studying for a degree, I will choose writing a novel. 

Let that be the next challenge!