Covid-19: my mind at different times today

What if we could take a shower and wash away every trace of this illness. Wouldn't it be great to go back to normal and pretend we never tested positive? We wouldn't have to live in isolation and listen to each other cough in another room.

 ...

Our symptoms started late Sunday afternoon, 11 July. We didn't know, though. I mean, I've had sinusitis, a basic cold, and flu this year. On Tuesday, Nick tested positive. On Wednesday, I tested false-negative and on Friday the results came back positive.

My worst day was Thursday. The physical, emotional, and mental experience of knowing we have the virus and the reality of moving through the various phases of the illness brought fear closer to home. Suddenly nothing seemed to matter except following all instructions religiously to get better. 

Everyone that's been through it has their own story to tell. And now, we are just another two of them. Not more, not less. Just sick. Fighting. Unfocused. Praying. Waiting. 

...

I think the hardest part of it all was seeing Jana risk her own health to take care of us, while maintaining order in the house and working as a lawyer remotely, doing pre-trials online. She remained positive, cheerful, and committed. We ate healthy food. Drank medicine. Steamed. She made jokes and tended to our every need. Doors divided us, but our voices were alive with love.

Today, I have hope. We're okay. We're going to beat this. We're sick. Tired. Out of breath. Coughing. But, we're doing okay and before long we'll be just fine.

...

During my week of absolute illness and fatigue, my mind wandered along new avenues.

Today, I must be feeling much better because I am writing again. And even saying this, I cannot know for sure whether I am focused or not. What I do remember thinking about is the reality of loss. My mind wandered closer to the shadow of death, not because I believed I was dying. I feared hospitalization for perhaps one long night of difficult breathing. 

It wasn't my death that filled me with absolute sorrow. I was reminded of death. My mother-in-law passed away on 13 April and my cousin's wife on 11 July. Knowing how one memory of death leads on to another, it is quite normal that I thought of my father and my cousin, Nico. I was also reminded of my aunt who died last year. 
Then, I started to fear new losses. I started to consider my mother's age and her state of health. 

Fear reduces me and I do not care for self-reduction. That is why I find it comforting to know we are living “in a day of salvation”​ - a time when God extends a warm invitation to all people to draw close to him and be saved (2 Corinthians 6:2). To be saved does not mean recovery from Covid-19 and continuity of my imperfect life. For me, the difference between life and death is the breath I have to breathe with my imperfect body. This imperfection can lead to illness with imperfect consequences: recovery or death. 

To sit down and pray for life would mean I would have to pray for the healing of imperfection. Some would refer to it as a miracle. I cannot do this because, while I discriminate regularly on an imperfect level, I do not believe in a god of discrimination that allows one imperfect person to heal and another to die. If indeed God shows favour, how then did Christ die for all? 

Quite simply, I believe the imperfection of the body determines life or death. Better for me then, it is to pray for calmness during trials and tribulation. More importantly, I pray for forgiveness of my shortcoming to draw closer to God during the "day of salvation". Salvation means the deliverance of sin and its consequences. Hence, for me, it is more than merely praying to save an imperfect body. It is about praying for endurance to live this imperfect life of mine while aiming for perfection. It is about an imperfect attempt to save an imperfect heart, mind, and soul. In other words: I pray for wisdom and humility to recognize my flaws, and to keep on trying to do better and to be better. Drawing closer to God (James 4:8) does not guarantee imperfect life on earth, but it does determine a future.

As far as life is concerned, no one is perfect or has it perfectly. So, I imagine we have not arrived yet. We are still on our way.

 

It's merely an opinion!

I’m probably the only person who thinks like this and really it’s okay.

I believe that God has put people in my life so that I can make a difference in their lives. They don’t have to make a difference in mine. It’s my life. It’s my purpose.

I believe that God has put people in my life so that they can make a difference in my life. I don’t have to make a difference in theirs. It’s their life. It’s their purpose.

I believe that God has put people in my life so that I can make a difference in their life and they can make a difference in my life. It’s my life. It’s their life. It’s not “our” life. It’s my purpose. It’s their purpose. It’s not “our” purpose.

1) I don’t live in expectation.

I accept reality. There's no standard reward system for social relationships or social interaction. When there's no expectation, there's no resentment or frustration. Relationships and interaction aren’t forced. Life flows.

2) I have a purpose on earth.

My purpose is always to try and do what is good. That's it! I give 100% and expect 0% in return. It equates to happiness. Doing good involves acts of kindness like helping or listening to people, thinking of a specific person, or praying for someone.

My purpose is to take ownership of my life and to take care of myself. I can’t pour from an empty cup. There’s nothing wholesome in trying to please others and putting unnecessary pressure on myself when I’m not feeling okay. So, if I don’t want to extend myself to help someone and I give 0%, it’s not the end of the world! I’m allowed to rest.

3) I can't control others, but I can control myself.

I can't control how other people think or behave or react. I don’t share their perspectives and I don’t walk in their shoes. Because I experience life in a unique way, I accept the fact that others also experience life in a unique way. No one has the right to dictate who I am and what I should do. So, I don’t do it either. I accept ME for who and what I am, and I accept OTHERS for who and what they are. I'm allowed to give my opinion, but it's merely an opinion – not the law. What people do with my opinion is their choice. The same can be said about the opinion of others. Their opinion is merely an opinion – not the law. What I do with their opinion is my choice.

Life is not perfect. It’s emphatically hard. Because life is hard, I can't judge people. All I can do is live each day to the full and control how I'm going to respond to what happens during each day.

"Blessed is he who expects nothing, for he shall never be disappointed." ~ Alexander Pope

Trapped in a home spiral

I think the spiral began when I forgot that I can actually leave my house. I only left it once during January, and that was to go and see the doctor. This has made me more negative than usual.

Dealing with normal waves of negativity is hard, but that’s what life is all about: the good, the bad, and the in-between. Ultimately, we learn to cope when we’ve been dealt a bad hand. I’ve always had the ability to be resilient, to bounce back when life has slapped me to the ground.

What usually keeps me going is the fact that everything changes; nothing stays the same. This motivates me because I know that, whatever hits me, “it too shall pass”. Sadly, things are different now. Since my visit to the neurologist in September 2020, I can’t anticipate a change regarding my neuropathy. It’s very clear that “it shall not pass”. 

The waves of negativity that I’m experiencing at the moment aren’t normal. It’s as if I’m trying to survive a tsunami every day. What I need to do is to prevent the negativity from spiraling out of control. Consequently, I need to start thinking of things I can do rather than bemoan my inability to teach. Yes, this year I would have been a teacher, teaching English to Grade 12 students. Instead of focusing on what I would have been, I need to move on. 

Living with constant neuropathic pain is difficult. I can’t always manage the pain. I’m not taking any medication because it doesn’t ease the pain. It just makes me feel groggy and then I move around with a “Nope, not now” attitude, which doesn’t serve a purpose for anyone – not even for myself. The reality is that just one nerve on its own is extremely complex. Trying to treat all the peripheral nerves with a painkiller is futile because there is no way of knowing which specific nerve needs the treatment. My strength and courage aren't found in my ability to stifle the pain. It's found in my ability to feel, understand and accept the pain. I refuse to be a victim! 

I’m not trapped inside my house because of COVID-19. I’m stuck because of the pain. If ever I do go bonkers, this is why: pain isolation. (Not that I’ll ever lose my mind. I write. It’s the only antidepressant that works for me.)

I’ve been living in denial for far too long. Living in “rest mode” is fine, but I need to do two very important things. 1) I need to get out more. 2) I need to find ways to enjoy each day to the hilt. I have a few ideas running around in my head and as soon as they settle down, I’m sure I'll find some perspective. Perhaps I should copy my daughter and start my own vision board. This is hers for a perfect day:

Learning is a lifelong process. Eventually, I’ll know how to live with the pain and stay positive. In the meantime, I need to be patient and wait for my brain to climb on board and believe what my heart keeps telling me: "Whatever the mind can conceive and believe, it can achieve." ~ Napoleon Hill.

 

Oh, dear God (apostrophe!) ... the vaccine!

I have so much to say about man and his mind, but let me not bore you beyond frustration. If you are taking the time to read this, then I’m convinced you have the ability to infer and understand a lot of what I’m not saying. Spoiler alert: this article is not all about Covid-19 and the vaccine.

I hear a lot of people talking about the vaccine as a means a) to continue life or b) to promote death. Those who are for or against the vaccine are throwing around their opinions based on more opinions, selected facts, and not-so-thorough research. The divided reactions of people are quite natural because even qualified scientists and doctors are in disagreement regarding the vaccine and the research that has been done to date. We learn, however, to respect all pioneers in the field of medicine.

I mentioned the following in a comment on Facebook more recently: Smallpox ravaged our world for centuries. On average, three people out of ten died because of it. How much did the scientists or doctors know back then? Yet, a vaccine was made. As a baby, my mother allowed me to get the vaccine without any questions. She didn’t have access to the world’s opinion via the internet (more specifically, social media). She did what all mothers did. The smallpox vaccine is what the clinic gave to all new babies and she just fell in line. She walked in faith. Read about smallpox. Learn about the history of it and the vaccine. Were the governments of those times any better than the governments of today? How many years have passed and how has smallpox fared in general over time since the introduction of the vaccine? Meanwhile, while there are governments, there will always be conspiracies. While people have more time to spend online during the various levels of lockdown, there will be more conspiracy “infections”. Conspiracy theories seem to breed on the internet and, thus, spread more easily. Regardless of the theory, God is our refuge and strength. He wants to bless us, surround us with goodwill, and protect us (Psalm 5:12).

The vaccine, in my mind, should not be a political or religious problem unless we make it one. Our problem today isn’t really about a Covid-19 vaccine or our concerns about prolonged life and unnecessary death. Covid-19, like the flu virus, mutates. Even if you spend time reading about viruses and the evolution of viruses, and "educate" yourself, you will soon discover that no matter how much you learn, you will still not have enough knowledge to satisfy your curious mind. Why? The answer is simple: your mind is set. Appropriate revisions were never made to what you have learned to believe during the course of your life. Hence, your biased opinion weighs heavily on how you interpret what you read. Our biggest influence is the media, which is available 24/7. For each one of us, regardless of whether right or wrong, there is someone out there that shares our perspective. This gives us fuel to continue arguing for or against the vaccine. Honestly, our problem lies in our pre-set beliefs, our lack of mental flexibility to correct our own fixed and incorrect perspectives, our inability to accept another's perspective (right or wrong), and our lack of faith. 

We have the ability to hear what people say and we have the freedom to choose whether to believe what has been said or not. We choose to believe whether what we hear is part of a conspiracy and we choose to believe whether the information is beneficial to us. Some of us even choose to believe that God thinks and feels the same as we do, condemn others who proclaim to be Christians (because they think differently), and then provide Bible verses to support our perspectives (even though the context differs completely). 

We flow with everything within the boundaries of personal comfort. We flow with everything that suits our beliefs. When people swim against this stream, we become emotional. We exert ourselves and become the spokesman of our personal thoughts, wishes, and inclinations in order to convince them that we are right.

Faith for so many means that we do what we feel is right for us, according to our belief – with or without prejudice. Truthfully, our trust, assurance, and confidence need to be in God and not in ourselves.

Now I will talk about myself, instead of generalizing, because this is what I believe. God doesn’t protect me through what I eat or don’t eat, what I think or don’t think, or what I do or don’t do. Perhaps today I will refuse to take the vaccine, but at the same time eat junk food and drink Coca-cola. Tomorrow I might just take the vaccine and drink a healthy protein shake. What is my judgment? Am I keeping a diary of my personal daily behaviour and choices? Within me, there seems to be a percentage of hypocrisy with regard to what I think and do. I am imperfect. I will, at times, fail to see my own mistakes. However, through all my efforts of living my life, I’m comforted to know that God protects me through a) His grace and b) through my faith. Yes, that means I have faith and believe in a flu injection and the vaccine. It doesn’t mean I will take one or the other. I have never had a flu injection, but I don’t judge people who go for an annual injection. Depending on their immune reaction, some will become sick once they receive the flu injection, but there are many who won’t. In my opinion, there isn’t a one-size-fits-all vaccine or opinion on this planet.

With reference to the idea that the world is going to get worse, I wholeheartedly agree. It’s what the Bible has informed us. Are we prepared for worse conditions? Again, each one of us has an opinion with regard to “worse” conditions. Right now, someone is fighting to breathe because of Covid-19; someone is receiving chemotherapy in an attempt to fight cancer; someone is trying to sleep with the pain of an empty stomach; someone is being tortured; someone is being trafficked; and someone is dying. What exactly is the definition of “worse”? Needless to say, even knowing that things will get worse, we don’t improve. Our lifestyle, immune system, relationships, education, attitude, beliefs, etc. remain compromised.

I have security and peace, and relative health, but that can all change within a few seconds. I believe in God. I believe that if I walk in faith, I will be protected. If I get Covid-19, even after I have done everything necessary to protect myself (and honestly, I can do only so much), or if any other negative thing strikes me, I will still walk in faith. If I live, I will be grateful. If I die, I will have peace. The devil and evil (man or virus) will always attack. All I can do is continue to walk in faith. I’m not perfect. I have moments when I become scared. I falter. I fall. But, I get up. I look to Him and I believe. God gives me the strength to endure.

This virus is going to be here for a while. Accept it and live in such a way that you are able to protect your health (physically, mentally, spiritually, and emotionally). Live and let live. Respect people and their opinions. Keep busy with people and activities within your social sphere. You don’t need social media to make or break your day! You don’t need social media to teach or preach. Why argue with a stranger? Arguments on social media are not conducive to another’s well-being. If I must add a Bible verse, for effect, here's one that feeds my mind on social media every day! Proverbs 15:4: A wholesome tongue is a tree of life…(KJV).

To continue ... and to love and to serve

You are born into this life with everything you need to live your purpose: to love and to serve. Thus, you will always have what you need so that you can give what is needed. No matter where you go, you will always be where you are meant to be so that you can do what you are meant to do. When you aren’t there where you wish to be, it wasn’t meant for you to be there. Accept what you have and where you are.

Nothing happens without a reason. When you live in humble gratitude, you will understand that what needs to happen for you to live out your purpose will happen, regardless of your thoughts (plans) and actions. Only through your choices, will you drive away humility and gratitude and burden yourself with worldly desires. Yet, your purpose in life will remain the same: to love and to serve.

It is pride that makes you rise in arrogance to decide who is deserving to be loved and to be served. Every day, you weigh people and situations and put a percentage on how much of yourself to extend to them. Yet, it is not for you to judge who you are to love and who you are to serve. Your purpose is to love all and to serve everyone fully while expecting nothing in return.

You have your own unique path in life that has been laid out for you. Every situation where you are bound to interact with people is filled to the brim with opportunity. These people are on your path for a reason. Every opportunity with them is a learning experience. Situations and relationships are temporary, but the learning experiences are permanent and will provide you with bitter or sweet memories.

It’s so much easier to understand your purpose when you are old and you have the opportunity to reminisce. It is then that you will remember the people that you have loved unconditionally and the service that you were able to provide to them.

Life is a miracle. While you are fortunate enough to breathe, live in the moment. Think less of a new year and new resolutions so that each day will be the start for spreading enthusiasm, joy, and love in everything that you are and through everything that you do. Don’t think of new beginnings. Think of continuation. Live life to the fullest and continue to live your purpose: to love and to serve.

“Remember that there is only one important time and it is now. The present moment is the only time over which we have power. The most important person is always the person with whom you are, who is right before you, for who knows if you will have dealings with any other person in the future? The most important pursuit is making that person, the one standing at your side, happy, for that alone is the pursuit of life.” ~ Leo Tolstoy.

Grief reveals you!

In 1980, when I was 14, I left Rhodesia – my home. It was all I knew and I was consumed with loss. For twelve hours on the Greyhound, from Bulawayo to Pretoria, I had this rock nestled in my throat that just would not go away. The pain lingered because I refused to cry. I started writing to make the pain stop. There are many days when I feel that I’m still on that bus. Everything changed back then – within 12 hours. Nothing stayed the same. Yet, today, nothing has changed. Everything feels the same. 

When my father passed away in 1990, I was consumed with sadness. I knew he would die and I was prepared for the news. Acknowledging the inevitability of his death weeks before the actual day strengthened me until the day of his funeral. Again I faced loss. I poured out so much of my pain of his death at his funeral. My Head of Department, Susan van Rensburg, comforted me the day before the funeral and told me she would never forget the sound of the first shovel of sand that fell on her father’s coffin. I stood next to my father’s grave, broken, in anticipation, but I didn’t hear a thing. I walked for days wondering why I didn’t hear the first heap of sand fall onto his coffin. Then I remembered the huge flower arrangement that was placed on top of the coffin. Red and white flowers – I can’t remember the flowers only the colours. The loss and pain were etched in my heart for years and years and years. He was too young to die but too damaged to live. Knowing this didn’t seem to serve its purpose and there was no consolation for my heart. 

When Antjie van Jaarsveld, one of my friends from church, committed suicide in 1995, I was shocked to the core. I walked around for days wondering about nothing other than the futility of life. It was early in May on a Wednesday evening. She had opened the boot of her car and shoved a plastic shopping bag into my hand. It was heavy and I held it up against the light to see what was inside. I was shocked to discover that there was a gun inside the bag. I asked her what on earth she was doing carrying a gun around in a shopping bag. She mumbled something about shooting a snake on her mother’s farm. I was naïve. I believed her, even though I could see she wasn’t herself. Two days later, on Friday night, the 5th of May, she pulled the trigger. 

When Bennette Riekert died, I was consumed with sadness. He was one of the students that I had the privilege to teach from Grade 9 to 12, and one of the boys who had played rugby, since their primary school days, with my son. His death brought a new companion to my heart. Fear! I became anxious about my son’s life. To this day, whenever Colin leaves the house, I become anxious. And to this day, I am still sad because of the brevity of Bennette’s life. 

Many things throughout my life have affected me in great ways, and, like many others, these four experiences of loss still cling to my heart. 

Today I received the tragic news about Debi Staal who passed away. When I was 14 years old, almost 15, I started school at Springs Girls’ High at the start of the third term. I was in Debi's register class until the end of matric. I idolized her because she had a vibrant personality. She seemed to live life to its fullest – always joking and up to mischief. I was the shy “little” girl at the back of the class too scared to breathe or talk to any of the 17-year-olds. She stayed in my memory over the years and when I joined Facebook, she was the first person from Springs Girls High that I decided to find. I sent her a friend request and when she accepted, I nearly shot through the ceiling with excitement. I sent her a message in Messenger and when she told me she remembered me, I was elated. One Sunday evening she phoned me and we talked for quite some time. She made me feel so special that day because that is who Debi always was: a kind-hearted person who put others’ needs first. 

Today I feel empty. Again it’s all about loss and the brevity of life. It makes me realize, though, that I am blessed. I live with this chronic pain day in and day out and yes, I grumble. There are days I live with regret and days when I live with an ungrateful heart. This is who I am, a negative-minded woman; imperfect in every way. Yet, I’m blessed with a fighting spirit. I will never allow negativity to be victorious. I fight tenaciously and with an enduring will to conquer every minute spent in the dark. Every day that I am able to accomplish something regardless of the pain, I am a winner. 

I press onward! Simply, because I can!        

The conditioned mind and the opinion!

Everyone has an opinion and believes that their opinion has value. Opinions are formed by the way we perceive things. 

Think of birds. A bird perceives magnetic fields. At night, snakes can detect infrared radiation from warm bodies up to a meter away. Humans detect visible light. This simply means that what humans see is a direct product of their imperfect human minds. Plato said, “imprisoned in our cave, with our backs to the light, we can only watch the shadows on the wall.” The shadows represent what is visible and the light represents what we cannot see or even imagine. Shadows are vague, yet we interpret them according to how we have been conditioned to think through our mind and the culture in which it was formed. 

Sadly, there are properties of the mind that get in the way of seeing the truth. To really see with an open mind and a focused eye, we need to climb out of ourselves (our bias and cultural beliefs – our conditioned mind) and view things from an external perspective. This requires research – work; the lazy mind’s nemesis. All opinions are bubbles floating around in the air. Unless you are in agreement with an opinion, opinions become thinner and soon pop and disappear. 

Every day, we hear or read different opinions. Some things will trigger a memory, thought, or belief. This will affect how we feel and behave. When an opinion makes us feel angry, we need to step back and breathe before we act upon the emotion. In this negative world that we live in, our feathers are easily ruffled by the way people think. We need to learn to acknowledge, validate and tolerate opinions that are in disagreement with ours. Narcissistically, we only accept our own opinions as truth. Narcissistically? Yes. “Human beings are social creatures ... But being social implies bands, and bands imply favouring your own above all others. [And needing] to feel good about ourselves ... we tell ourselves that we favour our own kind because we’re smarter, prettier, better, more virtuous, more caring—a superior breed of people in a world filled with lesser ones.” (adapted from The Narcissist Next Door, 2014). 

What makes your opinion the truth? 

When it comes to opinions, you need to understand how respect works. Respect in this case is about you – not the opinionated people out there in the world. Respect is all about your commitment to it, which then influences others. Never underestimate the value of your respect for another person’s opinion. When you respect the fact that there are other opinions out there (other than your own), you will learn to have the patience to maintain your composure and respectful demeanour when you disagree with it. You will find the courage to candidly challenge that opinion without stooping to a level of indecency, sneering at, or insulting the person. You will also find creative ways to see points of connection in the midst of conflict. Remember, you are arguing with a conditioned mind. You aren’t going to convince anyone to accept your opinion if you don’t show respect. 

You can't change the way people think. Change will occur when people convince themselves that an opinion is worth listening to or accepting. (Why is it so hard to change people’s minds, 2017) 

Choose your platform. Say what you want to. Grab that fleeting spotlight. It’ll make you feel good. BUT! Allow others the same. You’ve heard people say: Look at the universe and consider how small and insignificant humans really are. That’s one opinion. Here’s another: Look at the marvel of the human mind and the lens of the eye. How significant each is! When we show respect for the conditioned mind, we grow. Regardless of what a conditioned mind thinks, learn from it: accept the opinion or do research. 

When all is said and done, what we hear or read simply forms another opinion.

That’s life. 

We’re human … imperfect … conditioned to think!