Today, I'm just going to say what's on my mind because it's what I'm experiencing NOW. Physical pain is a terrible thing. It's a terrible, terrible thing. When it nears 10 on the pain scale (the worst pain possible), the brain will refuse to cope with it; there are no words to describe it. No-one can feel it for you. No-one can imagine or understand what you're going through.
On Tuesday, I woke up perfectly fine. Around nine the pain I usually have 24/7 started to intensify. I kept telling myself that it's okay; I can deal with it. I think I almost started crying on three different occasions during class, each time with another group of matriculants in front of me. With one group, I actually said it out loud, "I can't do this!" I immediately corrected the negativity, drank some water and said, "No, I CAN do this." School closes at 13:30. I left at 13:00. Jana came to fetch me and I couldn't even get into the car. I didn't sleep much that night.
Yesterday, late afternoon, I went to the doctor. The previous day's strain of trying to teach and cope with intense pain left me with upper back muscle spasm. The injection and pills have managed to leave me feeling more comfortable today. I have no muscle spasms, but the intense pain lingers.
The doctors I'm seeing here in town have no idea what's wrong with me. Stress seems to be the "go-to" word for most of them. One doctor wants me in hospital for tests. Uhm ... no! Been there! Done all that! Another doctor wants me to see a specialist! How many more should I see? It's been two long years. I went for many tests last year from CT scans to the worst imaginable, the colonoscopy. Even my gynaecologist is satisfied with my health.
Today, my husband convinced me to go and see another specialist. So, I'll see what I can do in the next few weeks. In the mean time, I'm trying to convince my brain to continue living with the pain for just a little while longer... even though it has intensified.
Because I'm a teacher, let me share some information with you. If you already know it, good for you. If you don't, well then, here's the opportunity to learn:
This type of pain demands attention. It persists for a long, long time, much longer than is normal after the temporal course of the natural healing process. When you suffer high-intensity chronic pain, it impairs your ability to focus and to perform attention-demanding tasks. With chronic pain, no-one knows what you’re experiencing or how bad it really is. There are no tests that reveal how much you’re suffering. There are also no outward signs to show how much pain you have.
I'm suffering chronic pain. With this hindrance to living a quality life, I do what I have to do (and want to do) as a daughter, wife, mother, friend, colleague and teacher every day, and I honestly try to live my life “normally”. Not many people know I suffer pain. Even though I've often admired my strength to endure and thought of myself as a role model for others who suffer pain, I know that it's wrong to live like this. Being stubborn to find help doesn't make me the perfect martyr of pain. While pain is still a basic part of my life, suffering remains the key; but, I don't have to live like this for the rest of my life.
If perhaps you think that I express my pain issues a lot to seek attention, you’re quite right! Let me assure you that I am seeking attention. I'm also emptying my heart this way. I see absolutely nothing wrong with having a pity-party and crying if I want to ... (winky face).